Happy Birthday

Ah, birthdays. For some reason, we all celebrate the day we were brought into the world, even though we didn't do any of the work. The mothers really should be the one getting all the praise and gifts. They are the ones that had to get all fat and work hard to bring us into the world in the first place. Anyway, I just had my 33rd birthday. Not an exciting number. No milestone, no new privileges, no one saying "You're legal!" or "Now you are an adult!" or "Mid-life crisis yet?" There is nothing to write home about 33.

What I find interesting is how I feel about birthdays in general now. When you are kid, you couldn't wait to be "this many" and use both hands. We were in such a hurry to grow up. Each birthday was about the long list of toys we wanted and hoped we got. There was cake and ice cream and friends to celebrate the years you've accomplished and the one you were heading into. Birthdays meant parties, telling your friends and/or teachers your birthday was that day over and over and over again, sleepovers, gifts, sugar until your eyeballs hurt, gifts, skating rinks, games, gifts, counting on another finger because you were older, gifts...... birthdays were something you counted down to out of excitement. Birthdays were just that though. Fun. The day came, you partied your face off and then the next day came and you moved forward with new toys, fantastic memories, possibly a belly-ache and cavity, and a new list of things you wanted for next year. Not when you hit your late 20's. That changes everything.

I'll be honest, my birthday crisis didn't really start until I turned 30. I was on the brink of a meltdown at 29, but put it off one more year. Thirty. What a bad word. Things begin to sag, droop, darken, wrinkle, ache and dull. That's not what bothers me the most though. For some reason, when you become "of career age," birthdays become a way of looking at your life, judging it based on some stupid "What I need to accomplish by (insert age here)" list and becoming depressed when you realize you couldn't be further from your goal. Your unrealistic goals. Why do we use birthdays as the day to step back and observe our accomplishments (or lack of)? As if there is some golden rule that by the time your are 30, you must have the perfect well-paying career, an established 401K, a spouse, a house with a picket fence and 2 1/2 kids. Seriously? I'm STILL not sure I'm in my correct field of work. I do have a husband, a house with a privacy fence in the back yard, I think my job has a 401k that I put money into and we have a 1 year old. Just one 1 year old. I was certain by this age I'd have a much higher paying – much more important job, a bigger house, and I was supposed to be done having all the children we were going to have.... 2. My list of accomplishments by 30 was incredibly long. I felt that everything must be checked off in permanent marker by now. The check boxes on my list are barely filled in. We fall for this "I must be depressed about my birthday" mentality and set ourselves up to fail. There should be a class in college about the real world and how to set easily attainable goals once you graduate. Ok, maybe not "easily" but REALISTICALLY attainable goals. Do humans LIKE being depressed?!

This year, I'm going to try my darndest to count my blessings, consider what I have achieved to be impressive and forget my age. Ok, the last part is for my sanity. Like I said earlier, 33 isn't exciting. I'll take my droops and wrinkles and aches one step at a time and thank God He blessed me with family and friends to surround me, the knowledge of Him to save me and know that I'll have to do all this again next year. Help me Rhonda, I'll have to do this again next year.

Courage

It's the quality of mind or spirit that enables a person to face difficulty, danger, pain, etc without fear. Considering my life is full of fear (which I hate), I lack a sense of courage that I'd like to have. There are times where I've just had a knee-jerk reaction out of "courage" without thinking at all, so the fear didn't have time to stop me. I like to think that being courageous means facing difficulty, danger, pain, etc while working THROUGH the fear. Having this kind of bravery usually comes with the visual of a superhero in a red cape saving children from a burning building. You think Superman never had fear right before fighting off bad guys?

So anyway, my friends that lost their baby girl, Maelee, just 7 months ago have a new adventure ahead of them. While fighting through this seemingly never-ending grief of losing their daughter, they are celebrating a new baby. Heather is 3 months pregnant!! They are elated, scared, nervous and cautious. They are courageous as they fight THROUGH the fear. They are an inspiration. They give me hope. They give others hope. Just thinking of their loss brings me to my knees in sadness, so trying to even understand their emotions is impossible. I can't wait to hold that sweet little red-headed baby! I can't wait to tell him or her about how courageous and awesome his or her parents are. I can't wait to tell that sweet baby how Maelee made Heaven shine so much brighter to so many people. God is so good. God blesses us every single day.

I'll admit, watching Greg and Heather grieve and struggle to find a new "normal" made me very reluctant to even think about having another child. What if that happened to us? Would I be able to be strong and keep my faith and hope? Would I be angry at God? Could I still be a good mother to Ella? Stupid "what ifs." Stupid fear. I find myself fearing what might happen every time we say "if we have another one" and in the meantime, Heather and Greg find the courage to try again. WOW! I learn so much from them all the time. I truly believe God placed these people in my life for a very specific reason.

Maelee, you are missed more than you could ever fully realize. You have been a witness to so many people in your short life on earth and even more so as you have found heaven. Heather and Greg, I owe you so much. You give me strength, courage and stronger faith. Without this Kasowski crew, I just don't know what I'd do.
I love you FOUR! Thank you.