Being a good girlfriend

A good girlfriend is dependable. She is someone you can share every thing with. You are always comfortable around your girlfriend because she's your BEST friend. Let me explain:

When you excited about something, the first person you want to call is your best friend. For instance, if you finally got asked out by THE guy, your best friend will jump up and down with you. She will ask questions about how it happened. She will help you pick out the perfect outfit (or shop for one). She will even let you borrow her favorite sweater... you know, the one she says goes perfect with your eyes. A good girlfriend will wish you luck, send you out with tips and emergency numbers and sit by the phone waiting for you to call with all the details of the night. A good girlfriend feels happy when you are happy.

When you are sad, a good girlfriend is sad, too. If that very guy that made your heart flutter broke your heart, a good girlfriend will hug you and cry with you. She'll tell you that you deserve better and be mad at that stupid guy who obviously doesn't know what he's missing. His loss. A good girlfriend won't share that the guy she really likes just called her right before you did because that would hurt your feelings. She knows that while you are hurting, it's not about her. She also knows that sometimes she'll just want to talk and for you to listen. A good girlfriend will learn the "mean boy's" route and makes sure you never have to cross his path. She knows if you did, it would bring all the hurt back. A good girlfriend makes you a "mixed tape" full of sad songs so you can sit and cry while you both listen. When you are sad, a good girlfriend is sad, too.

So the reason I'm saying this is because Greg and Heather are sad. I'm sad, too. I'm obviously not hurting like they are, but I'm sad. I think about their suffering all the time and pray that they will heal and find happiness some how. I don't want to brag about my experiences as a parent because I know it's not about me right now. I want to shield them from seeing any kids or listening to songs that mention the word "baby." I want to make them a "mixed tape" full of songs about hurting and healing. I want to hug them and tell them it's going to be ok and they deserve better.

I don't think this means I'm a good girlfriend, just someone who cares about them and wants good things for them. There are LOTS of people just like me that want to protect Greg and Heather until they have healed. I am sad with them. In a way, I'm too nervous to not be. I don't want them to feel alone in their suffering. I want them to feel like the world has stood still in other people's lives, too. The problem with this is my world can't stand still. I am a mother and a wife. I need to be there for them and be happy with them and tell them I love them and spend time with them. I need to be a good girlfriend for them. I want Greg and Heather to know I'm sad with them. I want Adam and Ella to know that they are my world and they make me so happy.

I'm torn.

Happy vs Sad

MUSIC

I have a hard time doing just about anything without some sort of music playing. I have a 100 playlists on the ol' iPod depending on what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. This time a year I have a Spring/Summertime playlist that makes me want to roll down the windows, blast the music and enjoy the sunshine. It makes me relaxed. It makes me smile. It makes me happy. Music can make me happy.

Lately the playlist has been stuck on a rotation of songs that are slow. Some speak of loss and healing. Some speak of leaning on Christ in hard times. These songs are songs of hope after disappointment. These are the songs that I want to send to Greg and Heather. These are the lyrics that seem to speak specifically about what they are going through. These are the songs that make me cry on the way to work. These are the songs that make me want to march directly into Greg's cube and tell him I think it absolutely sucks what they are going through. These are the songs that make me sad.

SUNSHINE

The sun is out. The temperature is great for being outside. The grass is green and the birds are out. Things are new again. Spring represents life and rebirth. People come out of their homes to enjoy the outdoors. We enjoy what God has so graciously given us. The world is beautiful. I look forward to this time of year the minute it Fall hits. Sunshine makes me happy.

I also think about Heather. I think about her walking down her street trying to get out of the house for a little while. I think about her seeing other couples out with their babies in strollers. I think about how hard it must be to see things so beautiful and how she's reminded that she doesn't get the opportunity to take Maelee out in the sun. Maelee doesn't get to feel the warm breeze on her chubby little cheeks. Heather is reminded all the time that Maelee is not here. This makes me sad.

MAY 29

I'm going to start with what makes me sad. Heather and Greg are burying their little girl on this day. This is the day that they will have to see the grave stone with Maelee's name on it. Family and friends will gather to mourn Maelee's death. This will be the day they have in Maelee's honor. There will be hugging and crying and praying. There will be words of encouragement and support. That will one of the hardest days Greg and Heather have to experience. They have to be sad. This makes a lot of us very sad.

This also happens to be the day that family and friends gather at our house to celebrate life. Ella will turn one the day before and May 29 will be the day we have a party in her honor. There will be hugging and laughter. There will be words of joy, memories and praise. This will be one of the happiest days Adam and I experience.

Death and life will be celebrated on the same day. Family and friends will gather to honor 2 little girls. I don't know how to feel about this day. I will be excited for Ella. I will be the proudest mom there ever was. I will have fun and honor Ella. I know Heather will be the proudest mom and honor Maelee. On this day, we will be happy and sad. On this day, Greg and Heather will be sad.

Anxiety messed up my sleep

Have you ever been so exhausted that you couldn't sleep? Well, that's what I thought I was dealing with last night... but it wasn't. I laid there, looking at the shades on the window, thinking about Greg and Heather (mostly Heather at this point). They'd spent a good portion of their day traveling to Charlotte to take Heather's mom to the airport. This would be the longest Heather had been away from her home or her "Safe Hole" as she called it. I prayed it wasn't hard for her or uncomfortable. I thought about Greg and how hard it would be for him if she got sad on the way there, but couldn't turn around and go home. (I hear being the male in this situation gets to be hard. They want to be strong for their partner, but have to fight back tears themselves.) I thought about Heather's mom and wondered if she was going to have a hard time leaving, knowing they were still suffering. I thought about what it would be like for them when they got back home because all the family would be gone for the first time in 3 weeks. Then, I thought about Maelee. I thought of what she would look like in her crib fast asleep late at night as Greg and Heather just stared at her. I know they would do this, because I still do it with Ella. It's a parent's right to do so. This thought made me sad. At this point, I had to get up, wipe away the tears and check on Ella. I needed to see her. I needed to rub her head. I sobbed by her crib thinking about Maelee not being in her crib and how it angered me that Greg and Heather weren't doing this very thing to Maelee. It angers me and makes me hurt. Babies shouldn't die. They just shouldn't.

Then I went over all the conversations I had with Greg and Heather and I panicked. Did I really say that? I opened my email and looked at my sent files. I DID say that. What was I thinking? That doesn't help them! How foolish to word my feelings that way. Should I email them and apologize? At this point, my tears became panic. I wanted to give them space immediately and stop bugging them. I felt like I'd said too much. I'd cornered Greg too many times at work and blubbered on about whatever came to my mind first. He didn't want to talk to me about this! Needless to say, my heart raced all night and I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. I was so mad at myself. I'd let my frustration with myself take over my sadness for Maelee. I'm still embarrassed this afternoon, but now mostly sad again.

As I look at Ella and feel absolute happiness and joy, I immediately feel guilty to know Greg and Heather aren't feeling this for Maelee. I do think this whole situation sucks. I think it's unfair and just wrong. I don't get to judge these things though. I don't get to decide what is right and wrong for other people. I have to remember where Maelee is and remember WHO Maelee is with. I also know who is with Greg and Heather and that gives me a little bit of relief. It's not up to my stupid words to give them comfort. Thank goodness. God is in control. It's hard to remember that sometimes when you are swept up in emotion, but God is in control.

A smooth sea

Have you ever heard the saying "A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner." I get it. It's kind of like practice makes perfect. You can't pass the driving test just by taking the written test. It makes sense. When Heather and Greg lost Maelee, this saying had a little deeper meaning. It's easy to be a good Christian when you never have any hardships. You never have that faith tested. You never have to worry that the decisions you make are yours or the Lord's. It's easy. The reality of the matter is that no one every has a life without any tribulation. My aunt cross-stitched a little sign for me years and years ago that said in so many words that we are all like flowers. Without a little rain, we'll never grow. Maybe the size of the hardship depends how strong you already believe and trust. It wouldn't make sense to give a 12th grader a 3rd-grade-level test. Maybe there's no rhyme or reason to how great we suffer. Either way, we are tested. We have to trust in God that He will get us through whatever it is that makes life hard. The more we go through, the better we get at trusting Him. I don't know. It makes sense to a degree. Maybe Greg and Heather were such great, strong and trusting Christians that they suffered one of the most heartbreaking tragedies. Of course there is no reason trying to understand why this horrible thing happened to them. That is something only God knows. It's just that it's so horrible that you become desperate to understand why. I guess this is the part where you have to give it to God, take a little rain and grow as a Christian.

You never know

Most people have some "thing" that weighs on their mind throughout the day. For the most part, while we are consumed with this "thing,"we carry on throughout our day. We don't always talk about what it is with others. We don't always let on that in our minds, we are fighting some deep emotion or incredible need. I'm sure that when Greg wondered the halls at work, people who didn't know him didn't know what anguish he was in. I'm sure that Heather's neighbor's don't know that when she walks past those 6 houses, that she is a grieving mother that is too exhausted to make it past house 7. We don't wear these things on a sign around our neck. Sometimes our faces show some sort of pain or emotion or whatever it is we are consumed with.

I have a friend, that just by being around him, you wouldn't know that he is still grieving the loss of a child due to a miscarriage over a year ago. That same friend, while still sad, is excited about being in the process of adopting. Of course, there is Greg and Heather who just held their baby girl and had to cry for her, grieve and hurt because they never got to really know her. I have a friend she and her husband want a baby so bad that they'd do anything to have one. Most people would never know that she and her husband have done everything they can to have a baby for over 18 months and are still trying. I'd like to think most people who don't know me don't know that I live my life in fear every day due to irrational thoughts of death and disaster. People everyday worry about their marriages that are one step away from failing or their child that has chosen a reckless path in life. There are people who are angry or stressed because they don't know how they are going to pay their bills that month. These people get up, go where ever it is they go, make conversation, smile at others as they pass by and behave like the regular Joe, while in their minds, they are dealing with some issue that could break them like a twig in a second, if they'd let it.

The point is, you don't know what the person next you is going through. If someone seems a little cranky one day, or if they aren't paying attention to your conversation about the funny thing your cat did last night, or they just seem a little off, know that there could be something big weighing on their mind. Something huge. We all need to remind ourselves not to judge other people. Hold the door for someone. Smile at someone you pass in the hall. Compliment a stranger. Do SOMETHING that may make someone feel good. You never know what they are dealing with.

Seeing strength

Today was Greg's first day back in the office. As you can imagine, people wanted to talk to Greg. They wanted to hug Greg. They wanted to ask him how he was holding up and see if they could get him something. I know this for a fact because I was one of them. All the questions and conversations held at the door to his cube... I'm sure it was hard and sometimes awkward. Greg held up. He answered the questions with grace, smiled back at people that stopped in and kept his head up. This was truly the Lord's work. What hell he, Heather and their family have been through the past 2-1/2 weeks and here he was answering OUR questions. I'm continuously inspired by Greg and Heather. They are suffering more than we see or know. They are in mourning of their child. Every morning they get up. They write. They let themselves feel for Maelee so that they can grieve. They pray. Today was hard for both Greg and Heather, I'm sure. God was with them. God is with them.

Keep them in your prayers.

Lyrics I like

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus

(Come to Jesus, Chris Rice)

Oh, faithless heart,
Be far away from me.
Playing games inside my head
That no one else can see.
Oh, faithless heart,
You tempt me to the core,
But you can't have a hold on me,
So don't come around anymore.

(Faithless Heart, Amy Grant)

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see 

(Give Me Your Eyes, Brandon Heath)

When the rain comes you think that everyone has gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain, but i will hold you till it goes away

When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done
When the storm fades you know the rain has fall'n on everyone
So rest a while
It will be alright
No one loves you like i do

(When the Rain Comes, Third Day)

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear,
I will be here.

If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand and have no fear,
‘Cause I will be here.

I will be here when you feel like being quiet;
When you need to speak your mind, I will listen.
And I will be here when the laughter turns to crying;
Through the winning, losing, and trying, we’ll be together,
‘Cause I will be here.

(I Will Be Here, Steven Curtis Chapman)

These are just a few songs that make me "feel." I love these songs and thought I'd share them so maybe one person will "feel" something from these lyrics, too.

Broken car is a blessing

On the way to work today, my mind was lost in the fact that 2 weeks ago Greg and Heather had their baby girl. It was a sad morning and WMHK seemed to know it with the playlist that made me even more teary-eyed. I had just gotten off the interstate and onto the road that takes me straight to work when BAM! Something sounded like it exploded in my car and immediately it started driving funny. I still had 5 miles to go until I reached the parking lot and there was no place to pull over. I let it idle for what seemed like an hour all the way to work. I was shaking and scared. I had no idea what to do. When I got to work, I opened the hood and the big fan that sits in the front of the car to cool the engine was now sitting on top of the engine and a belt wasn't where it was supposed to be. Awesome.

I said a little prayer and that's all it took. My very next thought was THANK YOU GOD! He got me off the interstate before my car broke down. (Goodness knows you can't go 20 mph on the interstate and not get run over!) I didn't have Ella with me and He guided me all the way to work safely. He is so good!! The major damage done to my car should have immediately sent me into a bad mood or even a panic, but instead I praised God for keeping me safe. I like to think not having a panic attack over this "big deal" is a small victory. God is hearing my prayers. I'm learning to give it to God. It's a process, but I'm so glad for today. God is good! This was a blessing.

Anxiety, fear & humor

ANXIETY

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is an anxiety disorder that is characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry about everyday things that is disproportionate to the actual source of worry. This excessive worry often interferes with daily functioning, as individuals suffering GAD typically anticipate disaster, and are overly concerned about everyday matters such as health issues, money, death, family problems, friend problems, relationship problems or work difficulties.

This is what I deal with on a day to day basis. It's very common. I think I read somewhere that over 6.8 million Americans are in the same ol' anxious boat with me. It's a dark place dealing with this. It consumes me and to be honest, it's embarrassing. I consider it my dirty little secret even though most people know I deal with it. The secret part is just how deep my anxiety goes. It sounds a bit dramatic, but every day is a struggle. Worry, worry, worry, worry and when I have some free time, I worry. To give you an idea how it works — at night I wake a few times to check to make sure Adam and Ella are breathing. When I wake up and convince myself not to check, I have guilt and fear that because I didn't check, they will die. When Adam leaves with Ella in the morning to go to daycare, I'm scared they will wreck and die. I even make sure to kiss them both, tell them I love them and tell Adam to drive carefully in fear that if I don't, they could die and I'd regret it forever. (I also make friends and relatives call "when they get there" so that I can rest easy that they are safe and sound. If they don't call, my imagination immediately has them in a bad accident somewhere and I need to find them to get them help.) I worry that Ella will get into something she shouldn't during the day at daycare and they will have to call me to tell me she died or is really sick (although I have gotten better on this one lately). I'm too scared to give Ella table foods because if she chokes, I won't know what to do or will panic and she will die. Sometimes I call the house to see if the answering machine picks up. If it does, it means our house hasn't burned down, right? It's irrational. I know it is. It SOUNDS stupid to me when I think about it, but the image of these bad things stick in my head.... all the time.

I worry that my words or actions will hurt other's feelings. When I was very, very young, I would stand at the top of the stairs at my Meme's house on Christmas day and cry. I was so worried that the excitement I showed wouldn't be enough and the people who bought gifts for me would be disappointed. So I would just cry, too scared to come down and face the problem head on. I wanted to look at the gifts alone so no one could watch my facial expressions looking for the gratification they felt they deserved. Sometimes I would come down to see the unwrapped gifts before everyone woke and then go back to sleep. As I write this, I'm becoming more and more embarrassed that I'm admitting all this. Most of this I keep to myself. I don't want to be labeled as crazy! (too late, right?!) I worry that when I mention Ella in a post or talk about death, Greg and Heather might see it and become even more sad. They may even become too sad to progress in their healing. I know that isn't up to me. It's up to God. How arrogant to think I could have that power.

I fear tornados. I hate them. If there is a watch in effect, I won't sleep until it's over. Poor Adam. I'm sure he'd gladly tell you about the time I woke him up screaming "TORNADO!" late one night just to find out it was just wind. Sorry, about that.

My anxiety has put me in the hospital. My heart had been racing for over 24 hours and my blood pressure was through the roof. I thought I was having a heart attack. Of course after a little over a thousands of dollars worth of tests, the only thing that made it all go away was Ativan, an anxiety drug. Sorry about that one, too, Adam.

When Adam has had a hard day and comes home and is a little quiet, my mind tells me Adam doesn't love me as much as he did the day before. Sometimes I get needy because of this, sometimes I ask him if he loves me as much as he used to and sometimes, I just let the thought go. I know when I can let it go, that is God. I know it is because I can't make these thoughts go away on my own. I know Adam loves me. He shows it. He tells me. It's ridiculous I have these feelings.

When Adam has to travel, I pray. I visualize what I like to call a "God bubble" surrounding Adam's car or plane or whatever that guides him to where he's going safely. The bubble protects him and nothing can hurt him while he's in that bubble. It sounds like I pray just to make myself feel better. In some ways, I do pray that God gives me peace. Sometimes I let God take control and I relax. Sometimes.... well, sometimes I fight it. I believe that is called THE DEVIL.

FEAR

I fear that with all this anxiety and fear, I'm not a good christian. The bible tells us not to fear. 2nd Chronicles 20:15 says Do not be afraid or dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God's. I want to give all my fear to God. I really hate all this worrying. I've been on medication before. It made me feel horrible. It made me care about absolutely nothing. It wasn't for me. I'm now reading the bible in order to find peace. I've read it in pieces and parts, but I need to sit and read it through. I don't want to second guess Christ. I want to pray that when I ask God to take my fears, I LET Him. I want to so bad. I'm trying. I fight off those urges to constantly check on Ella. I fight the fear when I let Ella try table food. I've been working on praying away the fear every time Adam gets in the car. It's hard. It doesn't always work, but I'm trying. I'm sure in God's eyes, trying isn't enough. I want to be a better christian.

HUMOR

I didn't pick the name of this blog by chance. It's true. When I laugh, my fear goes away. When I'm wrapped up in something funny, I don't worry that people I love will die. When a good comedy is on TV or Adam and I go see a funny movie, I can actually let my imagination rest and be without any irrational thoughts. Does that make me an even worse christian because it isn't God that makes me instantly fearless? I WANT it to be God. I pray for peace. I'm working on giving it to God. I'm searching for words of comfort in the Word.

I enjoy laughing, but I want my peace to come from God.

Humor keeps me sane. Laughing makes me relax. My anxiety is my demon. I pray I can let God take this demon away from me.

Words that speak to me

Therefore, my dear brothers, stand firm. Let nothing move you. Always give yourselves fully to the work of the Lord, because you know that your labor in the Lord is not in vain. 1 Corinthians 15:58

I'm working on this.

An overwhelming "want"

What a day! Busy in they yard. Busy with Ella. Busy just keeping up with every thing around me. It was exhausting, but good. "This is the day that the Lord hath made. I will rejoice and be glad in it" played on repeat in my head all day. As I was traveling to Target with Ella this afternoon, I got choked up and couldn't swallow that lump in my throat. I guess you could say that the tragedy of Greg and Heather losing Maelee has overwhelmed me. I check their blog every spare second I get. I constantly check my email in case they've written to ask for help or encouragement. It's all I can think about. Even through the "busy," it hovered above me all day. Every time I saw the color pink, I fought that lump. Every time I heard a baby cry, I thought I'd lose it. If it's this hard for me, how hard is for them?!

The more I think about it, the more I want to do something for them. I want to help them so much. I want to make something better or easier. I want them to worry about one less thing. I know that there are at least 50 other people who feel the exact same way I do. There are so many people that would bend over backwards to do even the most mundane thing for them. Realizing how many people want to help also hit me today. THAT is a very emotional thought. The amount of love felt for this couple and for Maelee is awesome. There is no other word for it. So I have this overwhelming want to help. To fix it somehow. I know that can't happen, but I still feel that way. I hate what they are going through. I know God will heal that hole in their heart... or at least numb some of the pain with time.

So until I can help in some way, I will keep this family's suffering on my mind and close to my heart. Keep them in your prayers.

I can only imagine

It's funny what tragedy does to you. Your emotions become erratic. One day you are able to have a good day, not cry and even enjoy the people around you. It's that very next moment, when you see something that reminds you of that tragedy, you uncontrollably lose it. Everything becomes a reminder. It's like the lyrics to a song get louder when it's a song that relates to what you or your friend is going through. The word "baby" seems like it's been inserted into every chorus. There are even billboards that mentioned babies.

So this morning, I was listening to WMHK and a woman called in to tell how the person in front of her in the drive-in at McDonald's paid for her breakfast this morning. She said she needed that because she wasn't having a good morning and that lifted her spirits. She wanted that thank that person. Good things are all around us. People are still thoughtful and caring. I shouldn't be surprised after hearing about all the nice things people have done for Greg and Heather. It still hit me and made me cry. Praise the Lord. He is so good.

Following the woman's story came THE song. "I Can Only Imagine." That was the song that played as we drove away from my Papa's grave site. That is the song that gave me happiness for Papa knowing where he was and WHO he was with. It was ok to cry and to miss him, but he was there. He was with Jesus. I can only imagine how that would be. Would I sing Hallelujah? Would I be able to speak at all? At this point I accepted the fact that I was just going to lose all my eye makeup on the way to work. You know who DOES know what it's like to meet Jesus? Maelee. Maelee knows what it was like to see Jesus and to have Jesus hold her and sing with her. Wow!

The morning commute

Normally, on the way in to work, I have the radio blasting. Sometimes it's talk radio and the music just depends on my mood. Thursdays and Fridays I usually play happy, upbeat music in celebration of the last work days of the week. Today, however, I traveled in silence.

Today I prayed all the way into work for Greg and Heather. It's funny though. I didn't know exactly what to pray for. I wanted to pray for them to heal fast. I know that's not how it works. I wanted to pray for them to feel "normal" again. I know they won't have a sense of themselves for a very long time. I wanted to pray that they find a way to reach out to friends to help them grieve and also to help them do even little things for them. I prayed that they would mourn for their daughter and find a way to try again one day for their family of three (or more). That request just seemed like a lot to ask. I wasn't sure they were ready for this yet.

I prayed these things anyway.

I prayed that they would lean on Christ to help them heal. I prayed that everyone remembers Maelee. I asked that Greg and Heather would remember that they are never alone, even after all the family has gone home. I know God will be there for them and will help them heal. I know that He will see to it that His plan is fulfilled. I KNOW God has great things in store for Greg and Heather and one day they will be ok to feel happy again.

Looking through the blue glass

Let me clarify the when I say "blue," I'm not referring to the color, but the emotion. It seems like everything is in a sad haze. I feel like everything I look at is through this window that turns everything on the other side into something sad. Jokes at work just aren't that funny, vacation plans seem so selfish, even the people in traffic seem to just be driving without anywhere to really go. Recorded TV shows that usually help to wind down the day aren't getting played. I can't bring myself to watch them. I just want to look at Ella, be sad about Maelee and pray Greg and Heather can heal.

Healing is weird to me. You have to hurt and be angry and become numb before you heal. You have to feel alone and cry until your eyes are dry. You have to feel bitter toward others that have what you were supposed to have. You have to lose sleep. You have to forget how to eat. You have to go through the "what ifs" and "what could have beens." Most importantly, you have to pray. A lot. For months (or maybe years) you have to be a walking zombie before you feel like you can find some sort of new "normalcy" so you can function. Healing is a lot of work. It's awkward. It's exhausting. There are many of us who are in the process of healing over the news of Maelee, but we aren't Greg and Heather. They have the hardest healing to do. Maelee is a part of them. She had their features and their DNA. Maelee is their child.

That stupid blue glass. It makes everything sad. It makes happy moments just seem like moments. That blue glass ruins clarity and focus. I can't think about anything else. Everything these past couple of weeks have been on the other side of that blue glass. That glass makes it difficult to remember what life is like without the haze. I'm so sorry Greg and Heather are living in this haze. This stupid blue glass haze.

Greg and Heather are always on my mind. Maelee is ALWAYS on my mind. Their pain never leaves my thoughts. I pray they heal fast. I know they won't. Lord, hear their prayers.

Their pain is too much.

It's all I can think about

Greg, Heather and Maelee. The death of Maelee. It just doesn't make sense. I can't understand it. Maelee would be 1 week old today. I remember rejoicing when Ella hit 1 week old because we'd survived a week of sleepless nights and late night feedings. There was hope that it would get easier with each week. These words make me sad now. For Greg and Heather, there is no rejoicing. There's no thoughts of it being easier with each week. There's no sleepless nights or late night feedings. It's not fair. It's not right. I feel guilty questioning God. I feel guilty feeling the way I do because I'm not Greg or Heather and I don't know how they feel.

It's just so frustrating to not understand what happened. I was so excited to share baby stories with them. I was excited for Ella to have a little girl friend to hang with if we both brought our babies to work one day. Sad is such a simple word that doesn't mean enough. Sad isn't sad enough. Grieving your child.... it's something we shouldn't have to face. The deep anguish that makes your insides hurt shouldn't be there because of your child.

I saw some baby things in a little boutique today at lunch. Normally I'd be all over them, but today I was sad. I didn't want to touch them. I was embarrassed to even look at them. It didn't seem right to admire the collection of baby socks, photo albums and bibs... not with Greg and Heather hurting like they were. I wanted to ask the lady to put those things away because it seemed rude to flaunt them like that. I hate that they are grieving. I hate what they are going through.

We will dance

I've watched the sunrise in your eyes
And I've seen the tears fall like the rain
You've seen me fight so brave and strong
You've held my hand when I'm afraid

We've watched the seasons come and go
We'll see them come and go again
But in winter's chill, or summer's breeze
One thing will not be changing

We will dance
When the sun is shining
In the pouring rain
We'll spin and we'll sway
And we will dance
When the gentle breeze
Becomes a hurricane
The music will play
And I'll take your hand
And hold you close to me
And we will dance

-Steven Curtis Chapman

Little blessings

The past week has been filled with sadness and pain. I think Jesus has a way of showing you little things in your life that remind you how blessed you are when you least expect it. Jesus showed me something to be happy about tonight and I'm so grateful. I pray Greg and Heather have little moments like this, too.

Praying hard for you guys. Really hard.

An inspiration

Reading the Kasowski's blog on how they are coping with their loss, I've seen how strong their faith is. I teared up reading the words "God is faithful" from a recommended post. Greg and Heather have a church to call home. We don't.

Adam and I have been looking for a "church home" for 10 years. Sounds silly, I know. We've been traveling 45 minutes away to a church in Camden that we love. We feel good there. It feels right to be there. The problem is that it's 45 minutes away and now we have a child that we want to be active in church. So, we've been searching for a church in Columbia. I know we've been to at least 10 different churches. We were the youngest (by far) at a few, we experienced contemporary services when we prefer traditional, we've been yelled at by pastors so that we felt bad about ourselves when we left and we've visited churches that are not the "same flavor" of the churches we grew up in just to see if we fit in. We almost joined a church that was so big that the only people we recognized from week to week was the choir director and the pastor. No matter how many times we visit the same church, until we join and make the church "our's," we will always feel like visitors. I feel desperate to find somewhere to belong.

I keep thinking about "what if" we have a tragedy in our lives. We wouldn't have a church family to help support us. That makes me so sad. Ella needs church friends. We've got to join some where and fast! I pray we find the best for us to grow spiritually and physically. Greg and Heather have given me new motivation to make that happen. I appreciate them so much. They've done so much to help this family and they don't even know it.

Keep praying for them. Their grieving will get better and then get worse again. It's a cycle that no one can truly understand, but them. I want to be there for them and also thank them for being an inspiration.

I wish I could help

On Easter Sunday, Christians rejoiced. We sing praises to our Lord. This day marks the most important day in history. He is risen! He lives! It's emotional and humbling. It's a celebration.

Last weekend was Easter Sunday. That was the day Greg and Heather lost their little girl. For a couple of such strong faith, their world was ripped in half. Their hearts were broken and their emotions drained. It's too hard to understand why these things happen and for them, it's about giving it to God and not ask "Why?"

As a new mother, I have a deep hurt for them. I want to be with them. I want to hug them and pray with them. I've let my imagination go and put myself in their shoes. Ella was Maelee and Adam and I had to find a way to carry on. I felt like my heart had been ripped out of my body. I cried for hours and couldn't let myself sleep. I prayed for them as hard as I could.

I find myself making mental notes of all the things I want to tell them, but I know I shouldn't. It won't help right now. I want to tell them to not give up because they WILL have a large family one day and Maelee will be a part of them always. I want to tell them to call on friends for anything. I'll grocery shop for them. I'll vacuum their house. I'll wash their sheets. I'll put gas in their car. I want to make their lives easier in some way. I want to let them know that we all hurt for them.

Sunday is hard. Keep praying.

Learning about others

Just a quick thought... I've been keeping up with my friends Greg and Heather and how they've been dealing with the loss of their child through their blog. I've become overwhelmed with emotion as I read each entry. One thing I've never gotten from them was the thought of giving up on their faith or the feeling of hopelessness. These two people truly amaze me. They are trying to stay healthy and learn to cope by turning to God. I am honored to know them and want them to know how important they are to so many people. The pain they are feeling is indescribable and devastating and yet they still find a reason to get up in the morning to carry on with their day. Let this couple be an example to us all. Praise be to God. We are never alone.

To the point

"...THE LORD GAVE, AND THE LORD HAS TAKEN AWAY; BLESSED BE THE NAME OF THE LORD." Job 1:21
May we all lean on our Lord for comfort and healing during difficult times.

Looking for the funny

It's Friday. It's jeans day. I'm having lunch with my best friend in the world. These are fantastic things. You'd think that would be all I needed today to make it awesome, but I find myself still searching for something else to make me happy.

I prayed hard last night for my friends Greg and Heather as they grieve for their little girl. I think their loss has effected me greater than I realized. Maybe it's that I feel guilty trying to laugh and have a good day knowing they are in so much pain. Maybe it's that I keep looking at Ella and feel a little guilty because it worked out for us. When Ella gives me a kiss or laughs so hard her face turns red, I feel sad for them because they don't have their little girl. I can't imagine their pain and to be honest, I don't want to ever have to feel that much anguish.

So I look at the pile of work stacked on my floor that I need to accomplish today and I can't even bring myself to pick a job up off the floor to even look at it. I wanna go home. I want to squeeze on Ella and have Adam hold me and tell me we'll always be happy. I want to watch a funny movie and not have any worry. I want these same feelings for Greg and Heather.

Grieving for friends

There is a guy I work with who is kind, quiet and a fantastic Christian. He, Greg, and his wife, Heather, were expecting their first child, a baby girl, mid-April. On Easter Sunday, that wonderful couple lost their baby girl just 2 weeks short of their due date. The Dr's aren't sure what went wrong. On Tuesday, Heather gave birth to Maelee Linn Kasowski weighing a full 6lbs 8oz. The pain of their loss hit like a tidal wave.

Trying to wrap my mind around what happened, all I could do is sob. Being a new mother myself, my imagination kept putting me in their shoes and thinking what if my daughter had been their Maelee. The pain is unbearable and I'm not actually dealing with their tragedy. I can't understand it. I can't believe it. Why would a full-term baby just "not make it?" Why do these things happen? This was a good couple! They would have given Maelee a fantastic home and she would have grown up in Christ. It doesn't seem right she had to pass away.

As I sit here and type through my tears, I wonder what they are doing right now. Are they sleeping in Maelee's room? Are they falling apart? Are they even able to sleep? Have they eaten all week? I want to hug them. I want to tell them it will all be ok, but I know it's not ok. Not right now. Not for a long time. How do you come back from that? How do you move on? It's so painful. It's so debilitating. It knocks the air out of your lungs and it won't let you get your breath back. They lost their child. Their only child. Only pictures remain of what they've anticipated with excitement for 9 months. How do you go on?

Talking to a friend who lost their baby in the 1st trimester, their minister gave them a devotional book to help them cope. One of the stories was entitled "Jesus Has a Rocking Chair." That title painted a picture in my head that had me sobbing all day. Jesus is rocking little Maelee to sleep while her parents grieve for her. She's where we all want to be. I just wish Greg and Heather could have had her in their lives for many many years first.

It's too hard. Please pray for them.