Finding better spirits

May has been a crummy month. I've had the worst 4 weeks at work than I've had in the 4 years I've been there. I've cried at work which I HATE to do because the stress has been overwhelming. Yesterday was our anniversary and Adam had to coach volleyball all night. It was crummy. I feel beat down and exhausted. What's more, I feel sad.

I feel sad for Greg and Heather. I asked myself today "Why am I still sad after 6 weeks? It didn't happen to ME." I don't know if when bad things happen to people you care about effects you more than you realize or if it's because I have a baby at home. Maybe it's both. I've experienced the excitement of having your first child. I delievered in that very hospital where Heather delivered Maelee. Maybe it's the little pile in Ella's closet of things I'd planned on giving to Greg and Heather for Maelee that just sits there with no where to go. I don't know if it's the fact that I see Greg at work sitting at his desk, working through the pain. What I do know is that listening to sad music can make it worse. It's what I've wanted to listen to, but I can't dig myself out of the sadness when all the music I hear is slow and sad. I've got to stop that.

There are days that I don't shed a tear for Greg and Heather and think maybe they won't shed a tear that day, too. I know I'm wrong. There are days where out of no where I'll sob while working on a project at work or riding in the car. This is just me. How are THEY dealing? I have my child. She is healthy and thriving. I can hold her and watch her grow. They don't have that with Maelee. If I'm sad, I know they are beyond that.

So, I'm focusing on my blessings. I'm turning off the sad music. I'm going to stop complaining about my crummy May. I'm also going to pray for Greg and Heather. I'm not going to be able to stop being sad, but I need to be better for Ella. I'm finding better spirits. What stinks is Greg and Heather can't do that exactly. They are burying their little girl in a week. Better spirits seem a good ways away for them. Keep praying for them. There suffering is indescribable.