I feel stupid

I don't understand Christ like I want to. I know the basics. He loves me. He sacrificed His only son to die for my very own sins so that I may go to Heaven and be with Him. He loves me no matter how crappy a person and christian I am. I don't deserve His love, but am so glad he's decided to anyway. He has given my strength when I couldn't find any earthly support. He is always there, anytime of day or night, when I need to talk. I don't listen enough. I talk A LOT, but don't spend the time to sit and listen. I know the basic stories throughout the bible. Most I didn't fully understand when I learned them 20+ years ago so I need to spend some time going back over them. I want to know Christ better. He knows me better than I do and I need to know Him. There are days that I have a pity party for myself and think how stressful life is and how bad I have it. I forget to pray to get out of my funk and to have Christ show me the light and help me count my blessings sometimes. I get over it. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I usually thank God for things He did a long time ago because I was slack thanking Him when He blessed me. I'm a crummy christian in that I don't think I show that I'm a christian all the time. In my mind, I feel like I think about Him a lot, but my actions are lazy. I know I'm going to heaven. I believe. I have a relationship with God, all be it not impressive. Sorry God. I'm working on that. I thank God a lot. I pray for people's safety A LOT. I ask God to help me to be less negative and to show me my blessings some. Working on that part, too. There are songs about Christ, that when I sing them, I get choked up and am filled with His Glory. I like that feeling. I LOVE that feeling. I wonder why I don't feel that all the time. Why do I let Earthly things get in the way. That's not why we're here. I forget that. I'm glad God isn't human. If He were, He would have given up on me a long time ago and I'd be alone. I want to be better. I want to know Him better. I want Ella to know Him better than I do.

Adam

I miss my husband. He's off to Reno for 6 days and I feel lost without him. I'm one of those girls that wears his t-shirts to bed just to feel closer to him. I stare at pictures and wait by the phone. You still make my heart skip a beat, Adam! Hurry home, huh-ney! *sniff*

It doesn't exist, right?

So, I'm on of those people who hangs on to every word and detail when someone tells me of a tragedy. I listen and my mind wanders as I try to picture it happening and how I would handle it. I wish I didn't do that. For the most part, I try to avoid hearing about bad things. If I don't hear about it, it must not be happening, right? Yes, I do the same with calories. If I don't know what the calories are, there must not be any. It seems that in the past few months I've heard a lot of horrible stories. Most were about people I didn't know, but they still hit you pretty hard. When Greg and Heather lost their baby girl, I felt like I was walking in thick mud everyday. My legs were 200 lbs a piece and I just couldn't find a way to move. My mind played their story over and over and I began to put myself in their shoes (or at least try) and I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop crying. Since their little girl left her Earthly body, I've heard more tragic stories of parent's losing their children. I hate these stories. I wish they didn't exist. I feel like if people would stop telling them, then these horrible things would stop happening. I know it doesn't work that way. There was a time when I never thought parents could lose their children.... babies especially.

I don't have much else to say today. Greg and Heather seem to be on my mind all the time and it hurts to see them hurt. Heather had a birthday this weekend and Sunday was Father's Day. Hard, hard, hard. These are supposed to be happy times. Pain sucks.

A year

May 28, 2009 my little Ella was born. I was scared because it was an emergency c-section due to preeclampsia symptoms and she was breech. Weeks prior to this day, I had cried to Adam that I was scared to be a mother. I didn't know how to take care of a baby and what would happen if I didn't do it right? I feared motherhood that night like you wouldn't believe. So the moment they wheeled me into the surgical room, I was scared. I bawled my eyes out the second she was lifted over the blue curtain to show her off. She was covered in guck and was screaming. It was a great scream though. It brought relief.

So here we are... one year later. We have managed to keep Ella fed, dry and happy. I like to think we're pretty great parents. I can't believe we have a child. It still seems surreal. She is amazing and moody and smart and talkative and fast.... she's perfect.

I can't believe it's been a year. It's been a challenge for sure. Sometime it's been overwhelming and incredibly hard. There were times I wondered if I was even meant to be a mother and Ella deserved better. But most of the time, I know we were meant to be together. She brings joy to our hearts. God gave us a little miracle and I'm so grateful to Him that He did. We don't deserve her, but I'm so glad He thought differently. Happy Birthday to my little girl. We are the luckiest parents on Earth.