I feel stupid

I don't understand Christ like I want to. I know the basics. He loves me. He sacrificed His only son to die for my very own sins so that I may go to Heaven and be with Him. He loves me no matter how crappy a person and christian I am. I don't deserve His love, but am so glad he's decided to anyway. He has given my strength when I couldn't find any earthly support. He is always there, anytime of day or night, when I need to talk. I don't listen enough. I talk A LOT, but don't spend the time to sit and listen. I know the basic stories throughout the bible. Most I didn't fully understand when I learned them 20+ years ago so I need to spend some time going back over them. I want to know Christ better. He knows me better than I do and I need to know Him. There are days that I have a pity party for myself and think how stressful life is and how bad I have it. I forget to pray to get out of my funk and to have Christ show me the light and help me count my blessings sometimes. I get over it. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I usually thank God for things He did a long time ago because I was slack thanking Him when He blessed me. I'm a crummy christian in that I don't think I show that I'm a christian all the time. In my mind, I feel like I think about Him a lot, but my actions are lazy. I know I'm going to heaven. I believe. I have a relationship with God, all be it not impressive. Sorry God. I'm working on that. I thank God a lot. I pray for people's safety A LOT. I ask God to help me to be less negative and to show me my blessings some. Working on that part, too. There are songs about Christ, that when I sing them, I get choked up and am filled with His Glory. I like that feeling. I LOVE that feeling. I wonder why I don't feel that all the time. Why do I let Earthly things get in the way. That's not why we're here. I forget that. I'm glad God isn't human. If He were, He would have given up on me a long time ago and I'd be alone. I want to be better. I want to know Him better. I want Ella to know Him better than I do.