It has been brought to my attention that maybe I'd let go of some of my resentment to volleyball if I had little something I enjoy doing to do on days Adam can watch Ella. A hobby if you will. Yes! Sounds great! I like where this is going. Something that I can do that is just for my enjoyment. No silly songs about speckled frogs on logs, no 8 piece puzzles, no vacuuming, no laundry, no scooping poop. Something I actually enjoy for ME. I grabbed a piece of paper and pencil to start figuring out what I could do. Here's what I had:
THINGS I LIKE
1. Funny stuff
2. Laughing
3. Diet Coke
4. Funky nail polish colors
5. Different color streaks in my hair
6. Being tan
7. Really good music of all genres
8. Being skinny
9. chocolate
10. naps
HOBBIES FROM LIKES
1. Watch funny movies (wait, is that a hobby?)
2. see above
3. Make my own diet coke (right. Lemme get started on that. Anyone know where to get the best natural flavors, citric acid and potassium benzoate? Yea. Didn't think so.)
4. Ummmmmm?
5. see above
6. Lay out? (still not seeing that as a hobby)
7. Rock out (this isn't going well)
8. Run all the time (wait...er...a hobby is something you LIKE to do, right?!)
9. This one doesn't go with #8
10. sigh
So, out of the 10 things I really like, I've go no hobby to make from them. I looked up hobbies online in hopes of an "Oh yea! I forgot about that! That's totally my hobby now!" moment, but what I got was:
Collecting stamps or other random crap no one uses anymore (one of the "collecting" categories including collecting business cards. BUSINESS CARDS! Really?! Just go around and ask people for their poorly designed/poorly printed business card just so I can clutter up a drawer in my house? This site is clearly a moron.) Another was bird watching. Ok, so I get some people actually care about those birds flying around and dropping poo on my porch from time to time, but let's focus for a minute. I'm just supposed to take binoculars outside and stare up in the sky waiting for something to flutter by and then get excited about it? Next. Glass blowing. hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Next. Crochet. How old do they think I am? No one needs 100 scarves that bad. We live in South Carolina! Next. Skydiving. No. Next. Photography. I've taken almost 11,000 pictures of my child with my Kodak Easy Share. I've mastered that one. Next. Map making. MAP making? Map what?! Here's my yard. If you take a left at the tree we cut down a couple of years ago.... you'll still be in my yard. Seriously? Next. Storytelling. There once was a girl looking for a hobby and all she got was crap. The End. Next.
Needless to say, I have no hobby. I'm going to get a diet coke.
2.27.2011
2.26.2011
What I know about myself today
DISAPPOINTMENT
I don't deal with it well. My knee-jerk reaction is to just throw my hands up and give in, throw a rockin' pity party and stew in my defeat. The party's length depends on how big the disappointment is. Once the party is over, I'm ashamed and embarrassed and promise myself and those around me to not let it happen again. I pray about it, ask Him to help and at some point make a dumb decision to not listen to Him and start the process over again. I'm working on it and promise to never let it happen again. Ok, so I'm praying about it. Pray I listen this time!
LONELY
I am an only child. I have never liked being an only child. I still to this day wish I had a sibling. Even during all of my childhood years when I had to entertain myself, I, as an adult, hate being alone. Maybe it's has something to do with the fact that there were times growing up I HAD to be alone. Maybe not. I have no idea why, but when Adam's gone for the weekend or even just the evening to volleyball practice, I get sad and disappointed (see above). I know as a Christian, I'm never truly alone, but like "Disappointment," I am not a good listener when I need to be the most. In my mind, being alone is horrible.
BEING THE COOL MOM
This is what I promised to my growing belly when I was pregnant. I was going to be the cool mom. The coolest, actually. But something funny happens when the child comes out and it's time to raise them... you are not the coolest parent. Discipline, lessons, censorship and mostly just parenthood steps in the way and you become the parent you thought you'd never be. This is meant to be. This is the way it is supposed to work. Let's face it, the coolest parents are never the best parents. It's great to be cool once in a while, but not all the time. If you haven't learned that yet, learn it.
I'M OLD
While slapping down some bright neon 80's fingernail polish and streaking my hair with temporary hot pink, it occurred to me that I may just be too old for this. That doesn't mean I'm not going to do it, but the thought of someone else looking at me in disgust due to my age... well that just makes me sad. I never wanted to grow up and here I am. Old. Wow. Where the heck does the time go?! I want to rebel against getting old. There are times when being responsible is lame.
THE LORD
I love Him so much and I'm am so undeserving of His love. I'm not a great Christian because as you know already, I'm not a great listener. Therefore, I'm not a great doer. Although I know I will never be the perfect Christian, I am working on being a BETTER Christian. I want others to see Him through me. The scariest part of that is I'm not sure others see that in me now.
ELLA
She kinda looks like me. There are times when I see her facial expression and think Whoa! She really is my child. I don't want her to see me and not see Christ.
WORRY
It runs my life a good portion of the time. Because of this, there are times that my anxieties make me a not fun person to those around me. I know what's happening and can't stop it. I worry and become frustrated at rate of speed so that no one can see it coming. I've decided to wave the white flag. I'm giving in on trying to deal with it on my own and am seeking help from the doctor on Monday. I've been on medication before and REGRET ever taking the medication because of what it did to my body. I don't know that I've ever fully recovered from it. I'm not happy about getting on medication again, but I fear I have no choice. This is a sad time for me because I feel defeated. I like to win. I've been praying about it for a long time and I'm thinking this is the choice that is best for me now. If this is my head telling me this and not the guidance of the Lord, I will find out very soon.
SLEEP
I like it a lot and haven't had quite the love affair with it that I used to in over 2 years. I miss it.
DIET COKE
For some reason, no matter what is going on, I always feel like a good cold diet coke makes any situation (good or bad) even better. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't. I think about diet coke a lot in a single day. That is not good. At all.
ME
I'm going to be a better person, a better wife, a better mother and most importantly a better Christian immediately. I can't be any of those with out being a better Christian. I need Christ in my life for when I'm disappointed, lonely, being a strict, slack or semi-cool mother, feeling old, adoring or being frustrated with Ella, worrying, sleep deprived and day dreaming about a soda. All these things in my life can change in a great way with more effort on my part. So, if you see me being a jerky human, call me on it. I want to change. PRAY FOR ME. I will return the favor. I want to be better and I can't do it on my own.
I don't deal with it well. My knee-jerk reaction is to just throw my hands up and give in, throw a rockin' pity party and stew in my defeat. The party's length depends on how big the disappointment is. Once the party is over, I'm ashamed and embarrassed and promise myself and those around me to not let it happen again. I pray about it, ask Him to help and at some point make a dumb decision to not listen to Him and start the process over again. I'm working on it and promise to never let it happen again. Ok, so I'm praying about it. Pray I listen this time!
LONELY
I am an only child. I have never liked being an only child. I still to this day wish I had a sibling. Even during all of my childhood years when I had to entertain myself, I, as an adult, hate being alone. Maybe it's has something to do with the fact that there were times growing up I HAD to be alone. Maybe not. I have no idea why, but when Adam's gone for the weekend or even just the evening to volleyball practice, I get sad and disappointed (see above). I know as a Christian, I'm never truly alone, but like "Disappointment," I am not a good listener when I need to be the most. In my mind, being alone is horrible.
BEING THE COOL MOM
This is what I promised to my growing belly when I was pregnant. I was going to be the cool mom. The coolest, actually. But something funny happens when the child comes out and it's time to raise them... you are not the coolest parent. Discipline, lessons, censorship and mostly just parenthood steps in the way and you become the parent you thought you'd never be. This is meant to be. This is the way it is supposed to work. Let's face it, the coolest parents are never the best parents. It's great to be cool once in a while, but not all the time. If you haven't learned that yet, learn it.
I'M OLD
While slapping down some bright neon 80's fingernail polish and streaking my hair with temporary hot pink, it occurred to me that I may just be too old for this. That doesn't mean I'm not going to do it, but the thought of someone else looking at me in disgust due to my age... well that just makes me sad. I never wanted to grow up and here I am. Old. Wow. Where the heck does the time go?! I want to rebel against getting old. There are times when being responsible is lame.
THE LORD
I love Him so much and I'm am so undeserving of His love. I'm not a great Christian because as you know already, I'm not a great listener. Therefore, I'm not a great doer. Although I know I will never be the perfect Christian, I am working on being a BETTER Christian. I want others to see Him through me. The scariest part of that is I'm not sure others see that in me now.
ELLA
She kinda looks like me. There are times when I see her facial expression and think Whoa! She really is my child. I don't want her to see me and not see Christ.
WORRY
It runs my life a good portion of the time. Because of this, there are times that my anxieties make me a not fun person to those around me. I know what's happening and can't stop it. I worry and become frustrated at rate of speed so that no one can see it coming. I've decided to wave the white flag. I'm giving in on trying to deal with it on my own and am seeking help from the doctor on Monday. I've been on medication before and REGRET ever taking the medication because of what it did to my body. I don't know that I've ever fully recovered from it. I'm not happy about getting on medication again, but I fear I have no choice. This is a sad time for me because I feel defeated. I like to win. I've been praying about it for a long time and I'm thinking this is the choice that is best for me now. If this is my head telling me this and not the guidance of the Lord, I will find out very soon.
SLEEP
I like it a lot and haven't had quite the love affair with it that I used to in over 2 years. I miss it.
DIET COKE
For some reason, no matter what is going on, I always feel like a good cold diet coke makes any situation (good or bad) even better. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't. I think about diet coke a lot in a single day. That is not good. At all.
ME
I'm going to be a better person, a better wife, a better mother and most importantly a better Christian immediately. I can't be any of those with out being a better Christian. I need Christ in my life for when I'm disappointed, lonely, being a strict, slack or semi-cool mother, feeling old, adoring or being frustrated with Ella, worrying, sleep deprived and day dreaming about a soda. All these things in my life can change in a great way with more effort on my part. So, if you see me being a jerky human, call me on it. I want to change. PRAY FOR ME. I will return the favor. I want to be better and I can't do it on my own.
2.22.2011
No clue
I have no clue what I'm doing. Not one single, tiny little clue. Every day I fly by the seat of my pants. Being a parent, for me, is a giant rollercoaster ride. The weird part is the trip UP the hill tends to be more fun than the 90mph trip down — when you are living with a toddler. Ella has discovered her expressions and boy is it fun.
When Ella was an infant, she opened her mouth to no matter what I put on that spoon and ate it like a champion. Peas? Yes! Carrots? E'ry day. Mystery meat and veggie combo? Absolutley! There wasn't much she wouldn't eat when it was mushy and came out of a jar. Now that she eats with us, she says "NO!" when she's not hungry or is tired of the greenbean/spaghetti o's combo I've slapped on her plate. She now has decided that there are nights she's just flat out not hungry. WHA?! What child of mine wouldn't be hungry 24-7?
When Ella was an infant, she could lie on that play mat and stare up at those monkeys and mirrors for what seemed like hours just checking it out. Now, 2 seconds into a puzzle and she's conquered it and is over it. NEXT! Every book we've read 200 times and she is tired of the same ol' Moose and the muffin story. Coloring was a new adventure not that long ago and now, it's just "aight". The Monkey and Alligator song was my saving grace when she'd get upset. Two notes into it and she was dancing and singing along. Now, she'll leave the room mid song.
Ella, now that she has words to use, has become demanding. "Eat Mommy!" "Sit Mommy." "Read it Mommy!" "No Mommy!" "Back Mommy!" (that one if for me to scratch her back) At this age, if you try to ignore her, she will repeat until you react. 100 times I'll hear the same thing. Did she forget that not only a mila-second ago she asked me to read that same book? And it wasn't 3 minutes ago we DID read that very same book... twice. We even pointed out all the puppies, flowers, butterflies, trees, clouds and little girls in the story when she got restless. And still she demands, "Read it Mommy!"
Don't get me wrong. This age is great. The crying, pooping, eating lump that graced us just 21 months ago is gone and she can now interact with us. She can cheer us on, dance with us to club music, she can tell me she had a good time at school and ate a sandwich, she says "I wub youuuu," she gives the best tight-squeezed hugs ever and loves to give kisses. These are good times. These times are the trip up the hill. This is when I look at her, tear up at how fast she's growing and try my best to hang on to every second we're together. It's that fast ride down that starts with "No Mommy!" and usually ends up with mac and cheese noodles on the other side of the room that makes me think Ella will be an only child. Help me Rhonda on that trip down. Whew!
I don't know what to think about motherhood. It's very cool. It can be very rewarding. It's hilarious. It keeps me on my toes. It's scary. IT'S HARD. It's stressful and frustrating. It's exhausting. It's like nothing I've ever done before. I wouldn't change it... well, I would change her EATING HABITS! I still don't get that.
Thank you Lord for all my many blessings. It's hard to get so wrapped up in the bad and frustrating parts to remember to be grateful for the 1000 times more awesome parts there are. I'm not the best Mommy in the world, but I'm Ella's. She'd tell you I'm the best Mommy she's ever had. I'm good with that.
When Ella was an infant, she opened her mouth to no matter what I put on that spoon and ate it like a champion. Peas? Yes! Carrots? E'ry day. Mystery meat and veggie combo? Absolutley! There wasn't much she wouldn't eat when it was mushy and came out of a jar. Now that she eats with us, she says "NO!" when she's not hungry or is tired of the greenbean/spaghetti o's combo I've slapped on her plate. She now has decided that there are nights she's just flat out not hungry. WHA?! What child of mine wouldn't be hungry 24-7?
When Ella was an infant, she could lie on that play mat and stare up at those monkeys and mirrors for what seemed like hours just checking it out. Now, 2 seconds into a puzzle and she's conquered it and is over it. NEXT! Every book we've read 200 times and she is tired of the same ol' Moose and the muffin story. Coloring was a new adventure not that long ago and now, it's just "aight". The Monkey and Alligator song was my saving grace when she'd get upset. Two notes into it and she was dancing and singing along. Now, she'll leave the room mid song.
Ella, now that she has words to use, has become demanding. "Eat Mommy!" "Sit Mommy." "Read it Mommy!" "No Mommy!" "Back Mommy!" (that one if for me to scratch her back) At this age, if you try to ignore her, she will repeat until you react. 100 times I'll hear the same thing. Did she forget that not only a mila-second ago she asked me to read that same book? And it wasn't 3 minutes ago we DID read that very same book... twice. We even pointed out all the puppies, flowers, butterflies, trees, clouds and little girls in the story when she got restless. And still she demands, "Read it Mommy!"
Don't get me wrong. This age is great. The crying, pooping, eating lump that graced us just 21 months ago is gone and she can now interact with us. She can cheer us on, dance with us to club music, she can tell me she had a good time at school and ate a sandwich, she says "I wub youuuu," she gives the best tight-squeezed hugs ever and loves to give kisses. These are good times. These times are the trip up the hill. This is when I look at her, tear up at how fast she's growing and try my best to hang on to every second we're together. It's that fast ride down that starts with "No Mommy!" and usually ends up with mac and cheese noodles on the other side of the room that makes me think Ella will be an only child. Help me Rhonda on that trip down. Whew!
I don't know what to think about motherhood. It's very cool. It can be very rewarding. It's hilarious. It keeps me on my toes. It's scary. IT'S HARD. It's stressful and frustrating. It's exhausting. It's like nothing I've ever done before. I wouldn't change it... well, I would change her EATING HABITS! I still don't get that.
Thank you Lord for all my many blessings. It's hard to get so wrapped up in the bad and frustrating parts to remember to be grateful for the 1000 times more awesome parts there are. I'm not the best Mommy in the world, but I'm Ella's. She'd tell you I'm the best Mommy she's ever had. I'm good with that.
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