Worry

Waiting and the unknown are two things that drive me into an anxiety attack. These are also two things we deal with every single day, so I'm a bit tense from time to time.

I know a lot of you guys have been keeping up with us and our process of trying to help fix Ella's torticollis.

As some of you know, we've been going to physical therapy since the end of December in hopes to correct the torticollis before the age of 1. Doctors often say that torticollis can not be fixed with physical therapy once the child has reached the age of 1. After 12 months, surgery is usually recommended.

Ella has also been in a helmet since the beginning of February in hopes to correct damage already caused by the torticollis (such as asymmetry of the face and head and ear shifting). We've made great progress with the helmet and are, at this point, waiting for Ella's ears to shift back to a normal position. The tubes in her ears are at weird angles which can cause ear infections and long-term hearing problems. The kicker is ear shift can't be fixed until the torticollis is fixed first.

We took Ella to get x-rays to see how her bones are growing. The pulling of muscles can cause Scoliosis as wells as other problems. The x-ray images weren’t great so Ella is now going to have an MRI with sedation in less than a week. There is a 10% chance Ella doesn’t have torticollis and in fact has neck bones fused together which would mean much worse problems. The doctor wouldn’t even discuss what that would entail because her percentage is low and it’s not a great situation to be in. No need to worry just yet.

As of right now, the Dr. is predicting that we will find Ella does indeed have have torticollis, she will go through physical therapy through January (because he believes it could help for the most part to continue) and that point, if the torticollis has not been corrected, she will have surgery. He’s already recommended a surgeon and asked us to visit with him after we receive the MRI results if it is torticollis. He seems pretty confident she will need surgery. Our physical therapist believes that her problem in the next, for the most part, is improving a lot and may not be the cause of her issues anymore. She believes the problem now lies in her back muscles since she keeps her shoulders shrugged all the time. Surgery can't fix that, but a collar and botox treatments might.

As you can imagine, watching my child be sedated and becoming a limp, helpless baby will probably send me into an uncontrollable sob. Just thinking of her one day getting to participate in singing Vacation Bible School songs in front of the church makes me teary-eyed. Wednesday will be hard. I will pray for strength, but will probably find myself struggling to find it. Ella has made me quite the sap these days. I'm also a worry-wort and tend to fret about the "what ifs."

Being a parent is hard. There are responsibilities that make each day a challenge. You have to find energy from down in your gut just to keep up. Sleep becomes a luxury and eating becomes an after thought. These are all things I am happy to do. The hardest part of being a parent is the worry. You love this child so much that it hurts and to have your child suffer is almost unbearable. I pray Ella's condition is fixable. I pray it will be with as little pain as possible and that she won't remember any of this. We are tired, worried, but most of all we are hopeful. Pray for Ella.

Still learning

The past year has been an interesting one. I've had to learn a lot about myself and I'm not sure I always love what I see. I always thought of myself as an independent person. I am confident and eager to learn. I'm, for the most part, humble and ready to take on whatever comes my way.... at least I thought.

Being a mother has tested my patience and my character. I've struggled getting to know the "new me" as a mother while trying to keep some small part of me as I was before Ella. I rarely do things for myself now that I'm a mom. I'm fine with that, mostly. I do have times where I long to use the bathroom without an audience or just run to Target for a "look around" at the cute clothes without buying diapers. I haven't spent one single night away from her yet, although we are planning for the first night away this weekend. We'll see how that goes. I've found that all I talk about these days is either work or Ella or being Ella's mom. (Sorry Adam. I'm sure I'll get back to telling Adam stories again one day.) I told my friends a thousand times what kind of mother I wouldn't be and now I'm neck deep into that very person. I show off pictures of Ella all the time as well as make her my desktop picture and post videos of her on youtube for all to enjoy. I'm "that mom" and to be honest, I'm proud.

What being a mother has also done is show me how I am in a tense situation. There are times, most times now, that I can remain calm and either walk away from a temperamental child or handle with with hugs and reassuring words. There are times, however, that I'm pushed to the edge and feel like I'm going to lose my mind. There are times that I've raised my voice at Ella with frustration and I always feel so guilty afterwards. I do mean to discipline, but not so harshly. I usually end up in some marathon-winning hugging session with her once I've calmed down. I don't like that part of me. I am trying to remain aware of my emotions and actions around her so that I can act the best way for both of us. That isn't easy. I've dealt with that nasty little part of me for as long as I can remember. Harsh confrontation. It's something I'm comfortable with and I don't like that at all.

I've also had to learn how to be a mom. From someone who still needs hers all the time, that is kind of hard. I've never been that girl who loved to babysit or to hold babies. In fact, I never even really liked kids (other than my cousins) until I had Ella. I knew I wanted to have my own, but I was never drawn to children before. I have had to remember what it was like to be the child and how I wanted my mom to be for me so that I can be that for Ella. When she's sick and pitching a fit, I have to remember that all she wants right now is her mommy. Instead of trying to reason with a 1 year old and get frustrated with the fussing, I have learned to just hold on to her tight and let her feel comforted even if it means hearing her whine for hours. Oh the whining for hours is a sound that goes right up my spine. It's a challenge to tune it out sometimes, but I do it. I do it because I'm her mom. My mom did it and so did her mom. Luckily for me, as a friend reminded me, I'm the only mommy Ella has ever had. As far as she's concerned, I'm the best mommy in the world.... well, until she can compare notes with her friends later in life. Every day is a challenge and every day is a learning session.

So today at the pediatrician's office, when Ella was running 103.1˚ fever and was miserable, I didn't panic. I held her little body close to mine, rubbed her head and waited patiently for the Dr. to tell us what was going on. I was what made her feel comforted. I was her protector. I was there, even when I was sweating because of her super hot little body stuck to mine and all I wanted to do was put her down for a minute to air out. I was calm when they pricked her heel and swiped her nose and throat to run tests. I wanted to seem confident to her that everything would be ok even though I was a little scared myself.

Being a parent is terrifying. I've feared it since the day I got pregnant. I worry constantly about Ella. I often think she deserves better than me. There are times I think how lucky we both are to have each other. It's awesome and scary. I'm learning. I'm doing things wrong and figuring out the right things, too. Everyday I'm still learning.

I feel stupid

I don't understand Christ like I want to. I know the basics. He loves me. He sacrificed His only son to die for my very own sins so that I may go to Heaven and be with Him. He loves me no matter how crappy a person and christian I am. I don't deserve His love, but am so glad he's decided to anyway. He has given my strength when I couldn't find any earthly support. He is always there, anytime of day or night, when I need to talk. I don't listen enough. I talk A LOT, but don't spend the time to sit and listen. I know the basic stories throughout the bible. Most I didn't fully understand when I learned them 20+ years ago so I need to spend some time going back over them. I want to know Christ better. He knows me better than I do and I need to know Him. There are days that I have a pity party for myself and think how stressful life is and how bad I have it. I forget to pray to get out of my funk and to have Christ show me the light and help me count my blessings sometimes. I get over it. Hindsight is always 20/20 and I usually thank God for things He did a long time ago because I was slack thanking Him when He blessed me. I'm a crummy christian in that I don't think I show that I'm a christian all the time. In my mind, I feel like I think about Him a lot, but my actions are lazy. I know I'm going to heaven. I believe. I have a relationship with God, all be it not impressive. Sorry God. I'm working on that. I thank God a lot. I pray for people's safety A LOT. I ask God to help me to be less negative and to show me my blessings some. Working on that part, too. There are songs about Christ, that when I sing them, I get choked up and am filled with His Glory. I like that feeling. I LOVE that feeling. I wonder why I don't feel that all the time. Why do I let Earthly things get in the way. That's not why we're here. I forget that. I'm glad God isn't human. If He were, He would have given up on me a long time ago and I'd be alone. I want to be better. I want to know Him better. I want Ella to know Him better than I do.

Adam

I miss my husband. He's off to Reno for 6 days and I feel lost without him. I'm one of those girls that wears his t-shirts to bed just to feel closer to him. I stare at pictures and wait by the phone. You still make my heart skip a beat, Adam! Hurry home, huh-ney! *sniff*

It doesn't exist, right?

So, I'm on of those people who hangs on to every word and detail when someone tells me of a tragedy. I listen and my mind wanders as I try to picture it happening and how I would handle it. I wish I didn't do that. For the most part, I try to avoid hearing about bad things. If I don't hear about it, it must not be happening, right? Yes, I do the same with calories. If I don't know what the calories are, there must not be any. It seems that in the past few months I've heard a lot of horrible stories. Most were about people I didn't know, but they still hit you pretty hard. When Greg and Heather lost their baby girl, I felt like I was walking in thick mud everyday. My legs were 200 lbs a piece and I just couldn't find a way to move. My mind played their story over and over and I began to put myself in their shoes (or at least try) and I couldn't sleep. I couldn't stop crying. Since their little girl left her Earthly body, I've heard more tragic stories of parent's losing their children. I hate these stories. I wish they didn't exist. I feel like if people would stop telling them, then these horrible things would stop happening. I know it doesn't work that way. There was a time when I never thought parents could lose their children.... babies especially.

I don't have much else to say today. Greg and Heather seem to be on my mind all the time and it hurts to see them hurt. Heather had a birthday this weekend and Sunday was Father's Day. Hard, hard, hard. These are supposed to be happy times. Pain sucks.

A year

May 28, 2009 my little Ella was born. I was scared because it was an emergency c-section due to preeclampsia symptoms and she was breech. Weeks prior to this day, I had cried to Adam that I was scared to be a mother. I didn't know how to take care of a baby and what would happen if I didn't do it right? I feared motherhood that night like you wouldn't believe. So the moment they wheeled me into the surgical room, I was scared. I bawled my eyes out the second she was lifted over the blue curtain to show her off. She was covered in guck and was screaming. It was a great scream though. It brought relief.

So here we are... one year later. We have managed to keep Ella fed, dry and happy. I like to think we're pretty great parents. I can't believe we have a child. It still seems surreal. She is amazing and moody and smart and talkative and fast.... she's perfect.

I can't believe it's been a year. It's been a challenge for sure. Sometime it's been overwhelming and incredibly hard. There were times I wondered if I was even meant to be a mother and Ella deserved better. But most of the time, I know we were meant to be together. She brings joy to our hearts. God gave us a little miracle and I'm so grateful to Him that He did. We don't deserve her, but I'm so glad He thought differently. Happy Birthday to my little girl. We are the luckiest parents on Earth.

Maelee's Day

May 29. This is the day my friends bury their little girl. I'm sad. I'm very sad. I know that God has plans for Greg and Heather and that He is comforting them. Knowing that doesn't seem to take away the pain of knowing that Greg will be digging the hole his daughter will be buried in. He will take a shovel to the earth so that Maelee can be buried. It may help the healing. It may help give some relief knowing that Maelee's earthly body has a final resting place. Maybe a new stage of grief will begin for them. I don't know if there are stages or if it just hurts differently as days carry on. Some days will hurt a lot worse than others. I still think it's unfair for Maelee to go. I still think it sucks and that parents shouldn't have to bury their children. Knowing that my friends have to do this rips my heart out. It's a pain that tears can't solve. The tears that fall from my face as I type this are for them. They are for Greg and Heather in hopes that there will be less tears for them to cry. I want them to be ok. I want them to not hurt so much. I will be praying for and thinking of them in these next few days harder than I have before. April was hard. May is hard. I pray June will bring comfort.

More to remember

Do you fee as bubbly inside as I do? Man, These pictures take me back to such a happy place. I'm thinking I'm never throwing any toys of Ella's away ever. I wish I'd kept all mine! These are DOPE!

Going back

This is what my Trapper Keeper looked like when I was in the 4th grade. IT. WAS. AWESOME. This one came with the snazzy clip on the inside back to hold my notepad and my pencil and 3 different color folders to hold all my papers. I loved it. I loved the sound of that velcro when class started. I loved the zip-up pencil holder that Mom bought me to attach with the 3-ring binder. I always used pencils that had a smell... you know, like strawberry or watermelon. I always had one of those erasers shaped like a heart or car or something. I don't know if I ever used it, but it looked good in my zip-up pencil holder. I found this image online today and it made me so happy. I loved my childhood. Look at it. It's beautiful, isn't it?

Finding better spirits

May has been a crummy month. I've had the worst 4 weeks at work than I've had in the 4 years I've been there. I've cried at work which I HATE to do because the stress has been overwhelming. Yesterday was our anniversary and Adam had to coach volleyball all night. It was crummy. I feel beat down and exhausted. What's more, I feel sad.

I feel sad for Greg and Heather. I asked myself today "Why am I still sad after 6 weeks? It didn't happen to ME." I don't know if when bad things happen to people you care about effects you more than you realize or if it's because I have a baby at home. Maybe it's both. I've experienced the excitement of having your first child. I delievered in that very hospital where Heather delivered Maelee. Maybe it's the little pile in Ella's closet of things I'd planned on giving to Greg and Heather for Maelee that just sits there with no where to go. I don't know if it's the fact that I see Greg at work sitting at his desk, working through the pain. What I do know is that listening to sad music can make it worse. It's what I've wanted to listen to, but I can't dig myself out of the sadness when all the music I hear is slow and sad. I've got to stop that.

There are days that I don't shed a tear for Greg and Heather and think maybe they won't shed a tear that day, too. I know I'm wrong. There are days where out of no where I'll sob while working on a project at work or riding in the car. This is just me. How are THEY dealing? I have my child. She is healthy and thriving. I can hold her and watch her grow. They don't have that with Maelee. If I'm sad, I know they are beyond that.

So, I'm focusing on my blessings. I'm turning off the sad music. I'm going to stop complaining about my crummy May. I'm also going to pray for Greg and Heather. I'm not going to be able to stop being sad, but I need to be better for Ella. I'm finding better spirits. What stinks is Greg and Heather can't do that exactly. They are burying their little girl in a week. Better spirits seem a good ways away for them. Keep praying for them. There suffering is indescribable.

What's on my mind

SCARS

I thought about this after noticing a scare on my arm that has almost faded away after 11 years. I was happy it was starting to go away. I hate it. Scars were initially wounds. Most are visible and look pretty bad. People go out of their way to say "What happened? Are you ok?" These wounds heal eventually, but leave a scar. A scar is a reminder of what happened. Scars will stop hurting as much one day, but it never really goes away. Somedays you won't remember it's there and the event that caused the scar doesn't cross your mind. Somedays you stare at the scar and play out the event that caused it over and over in your head. The feelings you had when you got that injury can come back as if it just happened. Some people won't ask you about your scar because they are scared of what you might say. I'm mean let's face it. It had to be pretty nasty to leave a mark, right? What if something horrible happened and now you've just opened up all those emotions again. It's better to pretend you didn't see it. There are those who WANT to talk about their scar. They will offer up the story without being asked or wait to see the look on your face when your eyes glance in it's direction. There are also those who would rather you ignore the scar, too. Everyone deals with the scars differently. Scars are reminders of what you've been through, but at the end of the day, they are what makes you you. They build character and always leave you with a story to share with others... if you're up to it. Greg and Heather have a wound on their hearts and one day they will have scars. It's a place that toughens up, but never goes away. That scar is Maelee's passing.

GETTING TO KNOW OTHERS

This has nothing to do with Greg and Heather's situation. It's just something I've dealt with recently. Everyday we meet people. Somedays we meet people we really want to get to know more. Those people can become friends. I love asking people about their life outside of what you already know. What music or food or stores they like. What they wish they could do if they had no limitations. It's fun to learn this stuff. What is disappointing is to learn that person you call a friend doesn't share an interest with you that you find important. Examples of this may be politics or religion or sports team views. There are somethings you can learn to deal with and some that you can't. For me, it's religion. I have a hard time understanding folks who don't believe. They claim to be spiritual but not religious. That saying drives me nuts. It means nothing. It's careless, lazy and messy. I almost can't relate to someone who doesn't believe the way I do. Most of the time, these unbelievers want to debate you on your beliefs. They want to mock you for being so gullible. I don't know that I have patience for this person. It's disappointing to learn this about a friend. I hope I don't learn that about you.

BIG GIRL SEAT

I had a new car seat installed in my car today for Ella. It's not a carrier and it can hold up to 50lbs. This is Ella's big girl seat. It's happening too fast.

GUTTERS

We had new gutters installed on the front of our house today because our others were falling off. I'm not sure we can actually afford this.

OLD DAYS

When I was younger, I didn't have so much stress. I wondered which tree would be best to climb and which cereal goes best with Smurfs on Saturday morning. I miss simpler times most when my stress is the highest. I had no idea about martial affairs of those you know and that sometimes you can't pay the bills because you've run out of money. I didn't know that there were family members that really don't like each other all the much. Things were good. Friends were good. Times were good. Stress wasn't there. My fear is that Ella won't be able to have "good times" in her childhood. There is too much too visible to kids these days. Too much technology. Too much "information." Too much sex and violence. I want "the old days" for her to remember when she's my age.

LIKE

This is a word that is used too much and used incorrectly.

HAIR

I'm not having a good hair day today. I want to go home and put it in a pony tail.

NAILS

Why did I paint them this color? I'm not a fan of this color.

ANNIVERSARY

Adam and I are going to celebrate 4 years of marriage on Thursday the 20th. We've been together for 10 1/2 years and love each other more today than the last. We have no plans yet. Thursday he has to coach in the evening which means he won't get home until 9:30 or 10. Bummer.

WORK

It doesn't make me happy anymore. It's too stressful.

BIBLE

I haven't had time to read it like I want to. I really want to. I'm coming up with a plan to make this happen the way I want it to. It's important.

EMAIL

I'm annoyed by emails that don't concern me. I always forget to delete them and they pile up in my inbox. I can't find any email I actually need when I need to.

BORED

Is it possible to be bored when you actually have things to do? My experience today answers "Yes" to this question. I think I'd rather sharpen all my pencils than do what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

Read a story today

I read a story today about a woman in Lexington who lost her son 34 minutes after he was born. She was told at 5 months that he wouldn't survive outside the womb, but in the womb was perfectly healthy. He had some fatal condition that wouldn't allow his chest to expand enough to take a breath. He survived 34 minutes. The woman said something that made me tear up and feel a warmth about her situation. She said that she enjoyed her time as his mommy, but he wasn't hers to keep. He belonged in God's hands. That was a fantastic way to look at a horrible situation. Knowing this didn't make her less sad or grieve for a shorter period of time. She just found some comfort in knowing that she'd carried her son for the Lord. When asked if she had any advice for other grieving mothers, she responded, "God makes no mistakes. He has a purpose, and a desire for even the smallest or shortest life. I cannot offer advice to grieving mothers, because I am still unsure of my own feelings. The pain and sorrow is indescribable. If it weren't for my husband, my mother and my God, I would be broken. Because of them, I will heal. I am unsure whether or not I will ever feel whole again. But I am a mother, a wife and a daughter. It is still my job to be strong." She also says "Grief is a personal journey and no one has the right to judge a mother's grief. I choose Bailey's life [her healthy daughter] instead of Benjamin's death." Wow.

There was one part of this story that really got to me. Her son was born on the same day Ella was due. He was delivered almost the same time Ella was born. He was born in the same hospital Ella had been born in. Now Ella was not born on the same day because I had an emergency c-section due to preeclampsia symptoms. I don't know that if I hadn't had the c-section when I did that she would have come on the same day this family lost their little boy, but the thought sent chills up my spine. What if we HAD been there at the same time. We rejoiced when Ella was born. Friends and family came to hold her and congratulate us. We would have just been a few rooms away from a family grieving the loss of their baby. How horrible. Greg and Heather were grieving Maelee while other families celebrated just a few rooms away. *sigh* I just don't want anyone to feel that kind of pain. I get sad for them a lot. I count my blessings every time I hug Ella (and wake her up in the morning, feed her, bathe her, play with her, tickle her.....) Hate is an ugly word. I know it is because my MeMe told me so when I was just a kid. I'm supposed to dislike things and not hate them, but I hate what Greg and Heather are going through. I don't know if sharing the story of the Lexington couple with Greg and Heather would help or make them more sad, but I'll ask what they think. Sometimes realizing there are others grieving the same way you are can give a little comfort. Keep praying for them.

I don't know the future

Worry. It's defined as tormenting oneself with or suffering from disturbing thoughts; fret.

My worry often comes from the "unknown." What will happen? What if something happened? What's the worst that could happen? Because I don't know what the future holds, I worry about it. After trying to figure out exactly what my worry comes from, I came to one word... fear. What am I scared of? Pain. Not physical, but emotional and mental pain. I don't want to feel the pain of losing a loved one. This fear is the one that keeps me up at night. This is the one that interrupts my day and sends me into a phone calling frenzy checking on loved ones and their safety. "Call me when you get there." is a phrase I say a lot. If I don't hear from someone when "they get there" I spend the next 30 minutes calling every number I have for that person and have been known to jump in the car to travel the road they would take to look for them. Once I called all the hospitals in town. It's irrational and irritating, but it's reality for me.

Since Ella was born, I've gained a new person to worry about. I read a lot about babies before she got here. One word that jumped out at me every time I came across it was SIDS. I came across this information just recently:

"SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants 1 month to 1 year old, and claims the lives of about 2,500 each year in the United States. It remains unpredictable despite years of research."

It doesn't make sense for babies to just die. There should be a reason... sick, suffocate on a blanket SOMETHING. A baby dying just because it does.... doesn't make sense. You can't prevent "just because." On the facebook page of the Christian radio station I listen to has a post where you can list the hardest thing you've been through. At least 4 people wrote about losing children, 2 of which were children who died in their sleep at 11 months. ELEVEN MONTHS! 11 month old children have little personalities and laughs and favorite toys and dance to music. 11 month old children are almost 1... the "cut off" age for SIDS. They almost made it. Ella is 11 months old.

I've checked on Ella and made sure she was still breathing for 11 months. Not one night have I spent away from her, because it would mean I couldn't check on her breathing. Now that it's time for her to start eating table foods, my fear is choking. I've watched my father choke while I screamed as my mom tried the heimlich maneuver unsuccessfully over and over again. Fortunately, my dad's pill that was lodged in his throat moved enough to go down instead of come back up. That same weekend, my cousin choked on breakfast and ran from the kitchen table because he was afraid. Mom gave him the heimlich successfully this time. The choking fear comes not from the unknown, but from what I've seen. It's horrible.

Greg and Heather lost their baby before she was born. I don't know if they have any information as to why it happened, but last I heard, there was no explanation whatsoever. No reason. Just because. I hate "just because." I know someone that held their little girl's lifeless body. There are so many emotions that go with this one, but fear is one of them. I've thought about not having another baby just to avoid the chance of the pain they are going through. Fearing the death of my child comes from seeing the pain of someone who has. I don't know if I'd call this the unknown or knowing too much.

Fear is a nasty thing. It changes you. It's not Christian. One of my favorite hymns is "Because He Lives." The chorus reads

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, All fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future, And life is worth the living just because He lives."

I sing this to Ella at night if she can't fall asleep. I don't want her to fear things. I want to fall completely head first into these lyrics and not have fear. I want to let go and just let my future be with Christ with no fear of the unknown. It's hard. It's really hard.

This doesn't mean I don't enjoy motherhood or being a wife. I do. It's what makes me happiest. It's what gets me out of bed in the morning on the rough days. I love my family. They are incredible and I wouldn't change what I have. My fear is that it will change.

Say a prayer for me. I need Christ's help to let my fear go.

May 6

I've sat on this post for a couple of days. I wanted to write about what this day is. I was thinking I'd write about Greg and Heather and how they must struggle to see the 6th on this month come and know it's been a month since Maelee was born. I just feel like these words don't show the true emotion of what this day really means. On Greg and Heather's blog, they posted a picture of Maelee's hand in Greg's. Maelee's little tiny hand with long fingers like her dad's. Those little nails were supposed to be painted pink one day. That picture brought on a new kind of pain that tears couldn't relieve... although I tried. Ella had tiny hands like that. I remember holding them and kissing them and never wanting to let them go. I want that memory for Greg and Heather so badly. One month ago, Maelee was wrapped in her little blanket and her little hands lay in her dad's... lifeless. I know the Lord gives and I know the Lord takes away. I read it in the bible. I sing it in songs. I understand that is just the way it is. What I don't understand is why. I will probably never know why God has to take away sometimes. See, children do something to you. They fill up your heart like no other person can. They bring you joy that no one else can. They make you a different person. Why would God choose to take a child away from it's parents? I know, I know. Don't question it. God has a plan for us all. We don't always understand our place or why things happen, but God does. I know I'm not supposed to ask "Why?" but I still find myself asking anyway.

I wandered over to the nowIlaymedowntosleep.com site. I wish I hadn't. I read the stories and looked at the pictures of these children that were taken away from their families. I just feel like there is no other pain worse than losing a child. These stories were incredibly sad. If you don't ache for these people reading their stories than you aren't human. It did hit me though that these people are real and aren't just words on my screen, they were people just like Greg and Heather. They knew what these people were feeling. I had to close the site and cried for at least 30 minutes. I got Ella out of the crib where she'd been sleeping for 2 hours. I held her, rocked her and whispered "I love you" in her ear for an hour.

May 6 was a hard day for Greg and Heather. I can't imagine their pain. One month and the pain doesn't get easier. Say a prayer for them and if you see them, hug them and tell them you love them. Maelee is missed.

The broken hearted

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. - Matthew 5:4

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. - John 14:27

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. - Revelation 21:4

My favorite is this: If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.- 1 Corinthians 12:26

Grieving Maelee

Every now and then, Greg and Heather weigh on my mind more than normal. Tonight is one of those times. I've put my "Grieving Maelee" playlist on and am sitting here thinking. I'm thinking what it was like to hold Maelee, knowing she'd already gone to meet the Lord. I wondered if they unwrapped her and just stared at her little body. I wondered if they ran their hands over every inch of her little body, trying desperately to remember each curve. Did they run their fingers through her red hair and kiss her cheek? Did they, just for a moment, wait to see if she'd open her eyes or cry? Did they keep the blanket from the hospital just to smell her? How could you survive this pain? How do you hold your child and then have to leave without her? It hurts to think about this. It's hard to see through the tears to type, but I wonder these things. It doesn't make sense. Lord, please lay your hands on them. Four weeks ago, Maelee met you. Be with them. The pain is too deep.

Battling against frustration

I'm struggling today. I'm struggling with stress and frustration. I have a to do list that exceeds the sheet of paper. Today, I have a sick child with a temper and a husband with his own to do list (which doesn't have any items that match up with mine). I missed church and I really needed it today. My house is an absolute wreck which means everything has become unsafe for Ella. Let's just say I'm doing more chasing than relaxing (what's new). I'd like to shower. I'd like to fold laundry. I'd like to do just about anything else than be frustrated and stressed out. I need prayers to help me not take this out on everyone around me. I need to put things into perspective, but I'm having a hard time with that right now. I feel like I can't breathe. I need to count my blessings and not put so much pressure myself. Easier said than done.

Jamaica

Here are just a few pictures from our trip to Jamaica a few years ago. There are a couple of our room, a picture of us right before we we went on the catamaran so I could jump off a cliff, a view from the restaurant where we had the best breakfast ever and lastly, a picture of the bar right outside our villa. Mmmmm.

We went here (Couples Swept Away in Negril, Jamaica for those who care) for our honeymoon and again for our 1 year anniversary and have plans to head back in about a year. I get the fever for Jamaica when the weather is nice. I listen to some Bob Marley and pretend the far off sounds of cars passing by are the sounds of a jet ski in the ocean. The breeze coming in is from the clear blue sea in front of me and any minute, an extremely nice Jamaican will bring me some sort of fruity drink with a pineapple on the side of the glass. You see, humor makes me relax and be worry-free. Jamaica tends to have the same effect. A couple of years ago we made plans to go back to Jamaica for our 2nd anniversary and, due to some unexpected expenses, we had to cancel. That was a bummer. A BIG bummer. I'm not getting my hopes up for next year, but the thought of going back makes me relax just a little. I'll take that for now. If I listen really hard, I can hear the tree frogs and the waves of the ocean. I like this feeling.

Being a good girlfriend

A good girlfriend is dependable. She is someone you can share every thing with. You are always comfortable around your girlfriend because she's your BEST friend. Let me explain:

When you excited about something, the first person you want to call is your best friend. For instance, if you finally got asked out by THE guy, your best friend will jump up and down with you. She will ask questions about how it happened. She will help you pick out the perfect outfit (or shop for one). She will even let you borrow her favorite sweater... you know, the one she says goes perfect with your eyes. A good girlfriend will wish you luck, send you out with tips and emergency numbers and sit by the phone waiting for you to call with all the details of the night. A good girlfriend feels happy when you are happy.

When you are sad, a good girlfriend is sad, too. If that very guy that made your heart flutter broke your heart, a good girlfriend will hug you and cry with you. She'll tell you that you deserve better and be mad at that stupid guy who obviously doesn't know what he's missing. His loss. A good girlfriend won't share that the guy she really likes just called her right before you did because that would hurt your feelings. She knows that while you are hurting, it's not about her. She also knows that sometimes she'll just want to talk and for you to listen. A good girlfriend will learn the "mean boy's" route and makes sure you never have to cross his path. She knows if you did, it would bring all the hurt back. A good girlfriend makes you a "mixed tape" full of sad songs so you can sit and cry while you both listen. When you are sad, a good girlfriend is sad, too.

So the reason I'm saying this is because Greg and Heather are sad. I'm sad, too. I'm obviously not hurting like they are, but I'm sad. I think about their suffering all the time and pray that they will heal and find happiness some how. I don't want to brag about my experiences as a parent because I know it's not about me right now. I want to shield them from seeing any kids or listening to songs that mention the word "baby." I want to make them a "mixed tape" full of songs about hurting and healing. I want to hug them and tell them it's going to be ok and they deserve better.

I don't think this means I'm a good girlfriend, just someone who cares about them and wants good things for them. There are LOTS of people just like me that want to protect Greg and Heather until they have healed. I am sad with them. In a way, I'm too nervous to not be. I don't want them to feel alone in their suffering. I want them to feel like the world has stood still in other people's lives, too. The problem with this is my world can't stand still. I am a mother and a wife. I need to be there for them and be happy with them and tell them I love them and spend time with them. I need to be a good girlfriend for them. I want Greg and Heather to know I'm sad with them. I want Adam and Ella to know that they are my world and they make me so happy.

I'm torn.

Happy vs Sad

MUSIC

I have a hard time doing just about anything without some sort of music playing. I have a 100 playlists on the ol' iPod depending on what I'm doing or how I'm feeling. This time a year I have a Spring/Summertime playlist that makes me want to roll down the windows, blast the music and enjoy the sunshine. It makes me relaxed. It makes me smile. It makes me happy. Music can make me happy.

Lately the playlist has been stuck on a rotation of songs that are slow. Some speak of loss and healing. Some speak of leaning on Christ in hard times. These songs are songs of hope after disappointment. These are the songs that I want to send to Greg and Heather. These are the lyrics that seem to speak specifically about what they are going through. These are the songs that make me cry on the way to work. These are the songs that make me want to march directly into Greg's cube and tell him I think it absolutely sucks what they are going through. These are the songs that make me sad.

SUNSHINE

The sun is out. The temperature is great for being outside. The grass is green and the birds are out. Things are new again. Spring represents life and rebirth. People come out of their homes to enjoy the outdoors. We enjoy what God has so graciously given us. The world is beautiful. I look forward to this time of year the minute it Fall hits. Sunshine makes me happy.

I also think about Heather. I think about her walking down her street trying to get out of the house for a little while. I think about her seeing other couples out with their babies in strollers. I think about how hard it must be to see things so beautiful and how she's reminded that she doesn't get the opportunity to take Maelee out in the sun. Maelee doesn't get to feel the warm breeze on her chubby little cheeks. Heather is reminded all the time that Maelee is not here. This makes me sad.

MAY 29

I'm going to start with what makes me sad. Heather and Greg are burying their little girl on this day. This is the day that they will have to see the grave stone with Maelee's name on it. Family and friends will gather to mourn Maelee's death. This will be the day they have in Maelee's honor. There will be hugging and crying and praying. There will be words of encouragement and support. That will one of the hardest days Greg and Heather have to experience. They have to be sad. This makes a lot of us very sad.

This also happens to be the day that family and friends gather at our house to celebrate life. Ella will turn one the day before and May 29 will be the day we have a party in her honor. There will be hugging and laughter. There will be words of joy, memories and praise. This will be one of the happiest days Adam and I experience.

Death and life will be celebrated on the same day. Family and friends will gather to honor 2 little girls. I don't know how to feel about this day. I will be excited for Ella. I will be the proudest mom there ever was. I will have fun and honor Ella. I know Heather will be the proudest mom and honor Maelee. On this day, we will be happy and sad. On this day, Greg and Heather will be sad.

Anxiety messed up my sleep

Have you ever been so exhausted that you couldn't sleep? Well, that's what I thought I was dealing with last night... but it wasn't. I laid there, looking at the shades on the window, thinking about Greg and Heather (mostly Heather at this point). They'd spent a good portion of their day traveling to Charlotte to take Heather's mom to the airport. This would be the longest Heather had been away from her home or her "Safe Hole" as she called it. I prayed it wasn't hard for her or uncomfortable. I thought about Greg and how hard it would be for him if she got sad on the way there, but couldn't turn around and go home. (I hear being the male in this situation gets to be hard. They want to be strong for their partner, but have to fight back tears themselves.) I thought about Heather's mom and wondered if she was going to have a hard time leaving, knowing they were still suffering. I thought about what it would be like for them when they got back home because all the family would be gone for the first time in 3 weeks. Then, I thought about Maelee. I thought of what she would look like in her crib fast asleep late at night as Greg and Heather just stared at her. I know they would do this, because I still do it with Ella. It's a parent's right to do so. This thought made me sad. At this point, I had to get up, wipe away the tears and check on Ella. I needed to see her. I needed to rub her head. I sobbed by her crib thinking about Maelee not being in her crib and how it angered me that Greg and Heather weren't doing this very thing to Maelee. It angers me and makes me hurt. Babies shouldn't die. They just shouldn't.

Then I went over all the conversations I had with Greg and Heather and I panicked. Did I really say that? I opened my email and looked at my sent files. I DID say that. What was I thinking? That doesn't help them! How foolish to word my feelings that way. Should I email them and apologize? At this point, my tears became panic. I wanted to give them space immediately and stop bugging them. I felt like I'd said too much. I'd cornered Greg too many times at work and blubbered on about whatever came to my mind first. He didn't want to talk to me about this! Needless to say, my heart raced all night and I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. I was so mad at myself. I'd let my frustration with myself take over my sadness for Maelee. I'm still embarrassed this afternoon, but now mostly sad again.

As I look at Ella and feel absolute happiness and joy, I immediately feel guilty to know Greg and Heather aren't feeling this for Maelee. I do think this whole situation sucks. I think it's unfair and just wrong. I don't get to judge these things though. I don't get to decide what is right and wrong for other people. I have to remember where Maelee is and remember WHO Maelee is with. I also know who is with Greg and Heather and that gives me a little bit of relief. It's not up to my stupid words to give them comfort. Thank goodness. God is in control. It's hard to remember that sometimes when you are swept up in emotion, but God is in control.

A smooth sea

Have you ever heard the saying "A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner." I get it. It's kind of like practice makes perfect. You can't pass the driving test just by taking the written test. It makes sense. When Heather and Greg lost Maelee, this saying had a little deeper meaning. It's easy to be a good Christian when you never have any hardships. You never have that faith tested. You never have to worry that the decisions you make are yours or the Lord's. It's easy. The reality of the matter is that no one every has a life without any tribulation. My aunt cross-stitched a little sign for me years and years ago that said in so many words that we are all like flowers. Without a little rain, we'll never grow. Maybe the size of the hardship depends how strong you already believe and trust. It wouldn't make sense to give a 12th grader a 3rd-grade-level test. Maybe there's no rhyme or reason to how great we suffer. Either way, we are tested. We have to trust in God that He will get us through whatever it is that makes life hard. The more we go through, the better we get at trusting Him. I don't know. It makes sense to a degree. Maybe Greg and Heather were such great, strong and trusting Christians that they suffered one of the most heartbreaking tragedies. Of course there is no reason trying to understand why this horrible thing happened to them. That is something only God knows. It's just that it's so horrible that you become desperate to understand why. I guess this is the part where you have to give it to God, take a little rain and grow as a Christian.

You never know

Most people have some "thing" that weighs on their mind throughout the day. For the most part, while we are consumed with this "thing,"we carry on throughout our day. We don't always talk about what it is with others. We don't always let on that in our minds, we are fighting some deep emotion or incredible need. I'm sure that when Greg wondered the halls at work, people who didn't know him didn't know what anguish he was in. I'm sure that Heather's neighbor's don't know that when she walks past those 6 houses, that she is a grieving mother that is too exhausted to make it past house 7. We don't wear these things on a sign around our neck. Sometimes our faces show some sort of pain or emotion or whatever it is we are consumed with.

I have a friend, that just by being around him, you wouldn't know that he is still grieving the loss of a child due to a miscarriage over a year ago. That same friend, while still sad, is excited about being in the process of adopting. Of course, there is Greg and Heather who just held their baby girl and had to cry for her, grieve and hurt because they never got to really know her. I have a friend she and her husband want a baby so bad that they'd do anything to have one. Most people would never know that she and her husband have done everything they can to have a baby for over 18 months and are still trying. I'd like to think most people who don't know me don't know that I live my life in fear every day due to irrational thoughts of death and disaster. People everyday worry about their marriages that are one step away from failing or their child that has chosen a reckless path in life. There are people who are angry or stressed because they don't know how they are going to pay their bills that month. These people get up, go where ever it is they go, make conversation, smile at others as they pass by and behave like the regular Joe, while in their minds, they are dealing with some issue that could break them like a twig in a second, if they'd let it.

The point is, you don't know what the person next you is going through. If someone seems a little cranky one day, or if they aren't paying attention to your conversation about the funny thing your cat did last night, or they just seem a little off, know that there could be something big weighing on their mind. Something huge. We all need to remind ourselves not to judge other people. Hold the door for someone. Smile at someone you pass in the hall. Compliment a stranger. Do SOMETHING that may make someone feel good. You never know what they are dealing with.

Seeing strength

Today was Greg's first day back in the office. As you can imagine, people wanted to talk to Greg. They wanted to hug Greg. They wanted to ask him how he was holding up and see if they could get him something. I know this for a fact because I was one of them. All the questions and conversations held at the door to his cube... I'm sure it was hard and sometimes awkward. Greg held up. He answered the questions with grace, smiled back at people that stopped in and kept his head up. This was truly the Lord's work. What hell he, Heather and their family have been through the past 2-1/2 weeks and here he was answering OUR questions. I'm continuously inspired by Greg and Heather. They are suffering more than we see or know. They are in mourning of their child. Every morning they get up. They write. They let themselves feel for Maelee so that they can grieve. They pray. Today was hard for both Greg and Heather, I'm sure. God was with them. God is with them.

Keep them in your prayers.

Lyrics I like

Sometimes the way is lonely
And steep and filled with pain
So if your sky is dark and pours the rain, then
Cry to Jesus

(Come to Jesus, Chris Rice)

Oh, faithless heart,
Be far away from me.
Playing games inside my head
That no one else can see.
Oh, faithless heart,
You tempt me to the core,
But you can't have a hold on me,
So don't come around anymore.

(Faithless Heart, Amy Grant)

Give me your eyes for just one second
Give me your eyes so I can see
Everything that I keep missing
Give me your love for humanity
Give me your arms for the broken-hearted
The ones that are far beyond my reach
Give me your heart for the ones forgotten
Give me your eyes so I can see 

(Give Me Your Eyes, Brandon Heath)

When the rain comes you think that everyone has gone away
When the night falls you wonder if you shouldn't find someplace
To run and hide
Escape the pain
But hiding's such a lonely thing to do

I can't stop the rain from falling down on you again
I can't stop the rain, but i will hold you till it goes away

When the rain comes you blame it on the things that you have done
When the storm fades you know the rain has fall'n on everyone
So rest a while
It will be alright
No one loves you like i do

(When the Rain Comes, Third Day)

Tomorrow morning if you wake up
And the sun does not appear,
I will be here.

If in the dark we lose sight of love,
Hold my hand and have no fear,
‘Cause I will be here.

I will be here when you feel like being quiet;
When you need to speak your mind, I will listen.
And I will be here when the laughter turns to crying;
Through the winning, losing, and trying, we’ll be together,
‘Cause I will be here.

(I Will Be Here, Steven Curtis Chapman)

These are just a few songs that make me "feel." I love these songs and thought I'd share them so maybe one person will "feel" something from these lyrics, too.

Broken car is a blessing

On the way to work today, my mind was lost in the fact that 2 weeks ago Greg and Heather had their baby girl. It was a sad morning and WMHK seemed to know it with the playlist that made me even more teary-eyed. I had just gotten off the interstate and onto the road that takes me straight to work when BAM! Something sounded like it exploded in my car and immediately it started driving funny. I still had 5 miles to go until I reached the parking lot and there was no place to pull over. I let it idle for what seemed like an hour all the way to work. I was shaking and scared. I had no idea what to do. When I got to work, I opened the hood and the big fan that sits in the front of the car to cool the engine was now sitting on top of the engine and a belt wasn't where it was supposed to be. Awesome.

I said a little prayer and that's all it took. My very next thought was THANK YOU GOD! He got me off the interstate before my car broke down. (Goodness knows you can't go 20 mph on the interstate and not get run over!) I didn't have Ella with me and He guided me all the way to work safely. He is so good!! The major damage done to my car should have immediately sent me into a bad mood or even a panic, but instead I praised God for keeping me safe. I like to think not having a panic attack over this "big deal" is a small victory. God is hearing my prayers. I'm learning to give it to God. It's a process, but I'm so glad for today. God is good! This was a blessing.

Anxiety, fear & humor

ANXIETY

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is an anxiety disorder that is characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry about everyday things that is disproportionate to the actual source of worry. This excessive worry often interferes with daily functioning, as individuals suffering GAD typically anticipate disaster, and are overly concerned about everyday matters such as health issues, money, death, family problems, friend problems, relationship problems or work difficulties.

This is what I deal with on a day to day basis. It's very common. I think I read somewhere that over 6.8 million Americans are in the same ol' anxious boat with me. It's a dark place dealing with this. It consumes me and to be honest, it's embarrassing. I consider it my dirty little secret even though most people know I deal with it. The secret part is just how deep my anxiety goes. It sounds a bit dramatic, but every day is a struggle. Worry, worry, worry, worry and when I have some free time, I worry. To give you an idea how it works — at night I wake a few times to check to make sure Adam and Ella are breathing. When I wake up and convince myself not to check, I have guilt and fear that because I didn't check, they will die. When Adam leaves with Ella in the morning to go to daycare, I'm scared they will wreck and die. I even make sure to kiss them both, tell them I love them and tell Adam to drive carefully in fear that if I don't, they could die and I'd regret it forever. (I also make friends and relatives call "when they get there" so that I can rest easy that they are safe and sound. If they don't call, my imagination immediately has them in a bad accident somewhere and I need to find them to get them help.) I worry that Ella will get into something she shouldn't during the day at daycare and they will have to call me to tell me she died or is really sick (although I have gotten better on this one lately). I'm too scared to give Ella table foods because if she chokes, I won't know what to do or will panic and she will die. Sometimes I call the house to see if the answering machine picks up. If it does, it means our house hasn't burned down, right? It's irrational. I know it is. It SOUNDS stupid to me when I think about it, but the image of these bad things stick in my head.... all the time.

I worry that my words or actions will hurt other's feelings. When I was very, very young, I would stand at the top of the stairs at my Meme's house on Christmas day and cry. I was so worried that the excitement I showed wouldn't be enough and the people who bought gifts for me would be disappointed. So I would just cry, too scared to come down and face the problem head on. I wanted to look at the gifts alone so no one could watch my facial expressions looking for the gratification they felt they deserved. Sometimes I would come down to see the unwrapped gifts before everyone woke and then go back to sleep. As I write this, I'm becoming more and more embarrassed that I'm admitting all this. Most of this I keep to myself. I don't want to be labeled as crazy! (too late, right?!) I worry that when I mention Ella in a post or talk about death, Greg and Heather might see it and become even more sad. They may even become too sad to progress in their healing. I know that isn't up to me. It's up to God. How arrogant to think I could have that power.

I fear tornados. I hate them. If there is a watch in effect, I won't sleep until it's over. Poor Adam. I'm sure he'd gladly tell you about the time I woke him up screaming "TORNADO!" late one night just to find out it was just wind. Sorry, about that.

My anxiety has put me in the hospital. My heart had been racing for over 24 hours and my blood pressure was through the roof. I thought I was having a heart attack. Of course after a little over a thousands of dollars worth of tests, the only thing that made it all go away was Ativan, an anxiety drug. Sorry about that one, too, Adam.

When Adam has had a hard day and comes home and is a little quiet, my mind tells me Adam doesn't love me as much as he did the day before. Sometimes I get needy because of this, sometimes I ask him if he loves me as much as he used to and sometimes, I just let the thought go. I know when I can let it go, that is God. I know it is because I can't make these thoughts go away on my own. I know Adam loves me. He shows it. He tells me. It's ridiculous I have these feelings.

When Adam has to travel, I pray. I visualize what I like to call a "God bubble" surrounding Adam's car or plane or whatever that guides him to where he's going safely. The bubble protects him and nothing can hurt him while he's in that bubble. It sounds like I pray just to make myself feel better. In some ways, I do pray that God gives me peace. Sometimes I let God take control and I relax. Sometimes.... well, sometimes I fight it. I believe that is called THE DEVIL.

FEAR

I fear that with all this anxiety and fear, I'm not a good christian. The bible tells us not to fear. 2nd Chronicles 20:15 says Do not be afraid or dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God's. I want to give all my fear to God. I really hate all this worrying. I've been on medication before. It made me feel horrible. It made me care about absolutely nothing. It wasn't for me. I'm now reading the bible in order to find peace. I've read it in pieces and parts, but I need to sit and read it through. I don't want to second guess Christ. I want to pray that when I ask God to take my fears, I LET Him. I want to so bad. I'm trying. I fight off those urges to constantly check on Ella. I fight the fear when I let Ella try table food. I've been working on praying away the fear every time Adam gets in the car. It's hard. It doesn't always work, but I'm trying. I'm sure in God's eyes, trying isn't enough. I want to be a better christian.

HUMOR

I didn't pick the name of this blog by chance. It's true. When I laugh, my fear goes away. When I'm wrapped up in something funny, I don't worry that people I love will die. When a good comedy is on TV or Adam and I go see a funny movie, I can actually let my imagination rest and be without any irrational thoughts. Does that make me an even worse christian because it isn't God that makes me instantly fearless? I WANT it to be God. I pray for peace. I'm working on giving it to God. I'm searching for words of comfort in the Word.

I enjoy laughing, but I want my peace to come from God.

Humor keeps me sane. Laughing makes me relax. My anxiety is my demon. I pray I can let God take this demon away from me.