Anxiety, fear & humor

ANXIETY

Generalized anxiety disorder (GAD) is an anxiety disorder that is characterized by excessive, uncontrollable and often irrational worry about everyday things that is disproportionate to the actual source of worry. This excessive worry often interferes with daily functioning, as individuals suffering GAD typically anticipate disaster, and are overly concerned about everyday matters such as health issues, money, death, family problems, friend problems, relationship problems or work difficulties.

This is what I deal with on a day to day basis. It's very common. I think I read somewhere that over 6.8 million Americans are in the same ol' anxious boat with me. It's a dark place dealing with this. It consumes me and to be honest, it's embarrassing. I consider it my dirty little secret even though most people know I deal with it. The secret part is just how deep my anxiety goes. It sounds a bit dramatic, but every day is a struggle. Worry, worry, worry, worry and when I have some free time, I worry. To give you an idea how it works — at night I wake a few times to check to make sure Adam and Ella are breathing. When I wake up and convince myself not to check, I have guilt and fear that because I didn't check, they will die. When Adam leaves with Ella in the morning to go to daycare, I'm scared they will wreck and die. I even make sure to kiss them both, tell them I love them and tell Adam to drive carefully in fear that if I don't, they could die and I'd regret it forever. (I also make friends and relatives call "when they get there" so that I can rest easy that they are safe and sound. If they don't call, my imagination immediately has them in a bad accident somewhere and I need to find them to get them help.) I worry that Ella will get into something she shouldn't during the day at daycare and they will have to call me to tell me she died or is really sick (although I have gotten better on this one lately). I'm too scared to give Ella table foods because if she chokes, I won't know what to do or will panic and she will die. Sometimes I call the house to see if the answering machine picks up. If it does, it means our house hasn't burned down, right? It's irrational. I know it is. It SOUNDS stupid to me when I think about it, but the image of these bad things stick in my head.... all the time.

I worry that my words or actions will hurt other's feelings. When I was very, very young, I would stand at the top of the stairs at my Meme's house on Christmas day and cry. I was so worried that the excitement I showed wouldn't be enough and the people who bought gifts for me would be disappointed. So I would just cry, too scared to come down and face the problem head on. I wanted to look at the gifts alone so no one could watch my facial expressions looking for the gratification they felt they deserved. Sometimes I would come down to see the unwrapped gifts before everyone woke and then go back to sleep. As I write this, I'm becoming more and more embarrassed that I'm admitting all this. Most of this I keep to myself. I don't want to be labeled as crazy! (too late, right?!) I worry that when I mention Ella in a post or talk about death, Greg and Heather might see it and become even more sad. They may even become too sad to progress in their healing. I know that isn't up to me. It's up to God. How arrogant to think I could have that power.

I fear tornados. I hate them. If there is a watch in effect, I won't sleep until it's over. Poor Adam. I'm sure he'd gladly tell you about the time I woke him up screaming "TORNADO!" late one night just to find out it was just wind. Sorry, about that.

My anxiety has put me in the hospital. My heart had been racing for over 24 hours and my blood pressure was through the roof. I thought I was having a heart attack. Of course after a little over a thousands of dollars worth of tests, the only thing that made it all go away was Ativan, an anxiety drug. Sorry about that one, too, Adam.

When Adam has had a hard day and comes home and is a little quiet, my mind tells me Adam doesn't love me as much as he did the day before. Sometimes I get needy because of this, sometimes I ask him if he loves me as much as he used to and sometimes, I just let the thought go. I know when I can let it go, that is God. I know it is because I can't make these thoughts go away on my own. I know Adam loves me. He shows it. He tells me. It's ridiculous I have these feelings.

When Adam has to travel, I pray. I visualize what I like to call a "God bubble" surrounding Adam's car or plane or whatever that guides him to where he's going safely. The bubble protects him and nothing can hurt him while he's in that bubble. It sounds like I pray just to make myself feel better. In some ways, I do pray that God gives me peace. Sometimes I let God take control and I relax. Sometimes.... well, sometimes I fight it. I believe that is called THE DEVIL.

FEAR

I fear that with all this anxiety and fear, I'm not a good christian. The bible tells us not to fear. 2nd Chronicles 20:15 says Do not be afraid or dismayed because of this great multitude, for the battle is not yours, but God's. I want to give all my fear to God. I really hate all this worrying. I've been on medication before. It made me feel horrible. It made me care about absolutely nothing. It wasn't for me. I'm now reading the bible in order to find peace. I've read it in pieces and parts, but I need to sit and read it through. I don't want to second guess Christ. I want to pray that when I ask God to take my fears, I LET Him. I want to so bad. I'm trying. I fight off those urges to constantly check on Ella. I fight the fear when I let Ella try table food. I've been working on praying away the fear every time Adam gets in the car. It's hard. It doesn't always work, but I'm trying. I'm sure in God's eyes, trying isn't enough. I want to be a better christian.

HUMOR

I didn't pick the name of this blog by chance. It's true. When I laugh, my fear goes away. When I'm wrapped up in something funny, I don't worry that people I love will die. When a good comedy is on TV or Adam and I go see a funny movie, I can actually let my imagination rest and be without any irrational thoughts. Does that make me an even worse christian because it isn't God that makes me instantly fearless? I WANT it to be God. I pray for peace. I'm working on giving it to God. I'm searching for words of comfort in the Word.

I enjoy laughing, but I want my peace to come from God.

Humor keeps me sane. Laughing makes me relax. My anxiety is my demon. I pray I can let God take this demon away from me.