Anxiety messed up my sleep

Have you ever been so exhausted that you couldn't sleep? Well, that's what I thought I was dealing with last night... but it wasn't. I laid there, looking at the shades on the window, thinking about Greg and Heather (mostly Heather at this point). They'd spent a good portion of their day traveling to Charlotte to take Heather's mom to the airport. This would be the longest Heather had been away from her home or her "Safe Hole" as she called it. I prayed it wasn't hard for her or uncomfortable. I thought about Greg and how hard it would be for him if she got sad on the way there, but couldn't turn around and go home. (I hear being the male in this situation gets to be hard. They want to be strong for their partner, but have to fight back tears themselves.) I thought about Heather's mom and wondered if she was going to have a hard time leaving, knowing they were still suffering. I thought about what it would be like for them when they got back home because all the family would be gone for the first time in 3 weeks. Then, I thought about Maelee. I thought of what she would look like in her crib fast asleep late at night as Greg and Heather just stared at her. I know they would do this, because I still do it with Ella. It's a parent's right to do so. This thought made me sad. At this point, I had to get up, wipe away the tears and check on Ella. I needed to see her. I needed to rub her head. I sobbed by her crib thinking about Maelee not being in her crib and how it angered me that Greg and Heather weren't doing this very thing to Maelee. It angers me and makes me hurt. Babies shouldn't die. They just shouldn't.

Then I went over all the conversations I had with Greg and Heather and I panicked. Did I really say that? I opened my email and looked at my sent files. I DID say that. What was I thinking? That doesn't help them! How foolish to word my feelings that way. Should I email them and apologize? At this point, my tears became panic. I wanted to give them space immediately and stop bugging them. I felt like I'd said too much. I'd cornered Greg too many times at work and blubbered on about whatever came to my mind first. He didn't want to talk to me about this! Needless to say, my heart raced all night and I tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. I was so mad at myself. I'd let my frustration with myself take over my sadness for Maelee. I'm still embarrassed this afternoon, but now mostly sad again.

As I look at Ella and feel absolute happiness and joy, I immediately feel guilty to know Greg and Heather aren't feeling this for Maelee. I do think this whole situation sucks. I think it's unfair and just wrong. I don't get to judge these things though. I don't get to decide what is right and wrong for other people. I have to remember where Maelee is and remember WHO Maelee is with. I also know who is with Greg and Heather and that gives me a little bit of relief. It's not up to my stupid words to give them comfort. Thank goodness. God is in control. It's hard to remember that sometimes when you are swept up in emotion, but God is in control.