Still learning

The past year has been an interesting one. I've had to learn a lot about myself and I'm not sure I always love what I see. I always thought of myself as an independent person. I am confident and eager to learn. I'm, for the most part, humble and ready to take on whatever comes my way.... at least I thought.

Being a mother has tested my patience and my character. I've struggled getting to know the "new me" as a mother while trying to keep some small part of me as I was before Ella. I rarely do things for myself now that I'm a mom. I'm fine with that, mostly. I do have times where I long to use the bathroom without an audience or just run to Target for a "look around" at the cute clothes without buying diapers. I haven't spent one single night away from her yet, although we are planning for the first night away this weekend. We'll see how that goes. I've found that all I talk about these days is either work or Ella or being Ella's mom. (Sorry Adam. I'm sure I'll get back to telling Adam stories again one day.) I told my friends a thousand times what kind of mother I wouldn't be and now I'm neck deep into that very person. I show off pictures of Ella all the time as well as make her my desktop picture and post videos of her on youtube for all to enjoy. I'm "that mom" and to be honest, I'm proud.

What being a mother has also done is show me how I am in a tense situation. There are times, most times now, that I can remain calm and either walk away from a temperamental child or handle with with hugs and reassuring words. There are times, however, that I'm pushed to the edge and feel like I'm going to lose my mind. There are times that I've raised my voice at Ella with frustration and I always feel so guilty afterwards. I do mean to discipline, but not so harshly. I usually end up in some marathon-winning hugging session with her once I've calmed down. I don't like that part of me. I am trying to remain aware of my emotions and actions around her so that I can act the best way for both of us. That isn't easy. I've dealt with that nasty little part of me for as long as I can remember. Harsh confrontation. It's something I'm comfortable with and I don't like that at all.

I've also had to learn how to be a mom. From someone who still needs hers all the time, that is kind of hard. I've never been that girl who loved to babysit or to hold babies. In fact, I never even really liked kids (other than my cousins) until I had Ella. I knew I wanted to have my own, but I was never drawn to children before. I have had to remember what it was like to be the child and how I wanted my mom to be for me so that I can be that for Ella. When she's sick and pitching a fit, I have to remember that all she wants right now is her mommy. Instead of trying to reason with a 1 year old and get frustrated with the fussing, I have learned to just hold on to her tight and let her feel comforted even if it means hearing her whine for hours. Oh the whining for hours is a sound that goes right up my spine. It's a challenge to tune it out sometimes, but I do it. I do it because I'm her mom. My mom did it and so did her mom. Luckily for me, as a friend reminded me, I'm the only mommy Ella has ever had. As far as she's concerned, I'm the best mommy in the world.... well, until she can compare notes with her friends later in life. Every day is a challenge and every day is a learning session.

So today at the pediatrician's office, when Ella was running 103.1˚ fever and was miserable, I didn't panic. I held her little body close to mine, rubbed her head and waited patiently for the Dr. to tell us what was going on. I was what made her feel comforted. I was her protector. I was there, even when I was sweating because of her super hot little body stuck to mine and all I wanted to do was put her down for a minute to air out. I was calm when they pricked her heel and swiped her nose and throat to run tests. I wanted to seem confident to her that everything would be ok even though I was a little scared myself.

Being a parent is terrifying. I've feared it since the day I got pregnant. I worry constantly about Ella. I often think she deserves better than me. There are times I think how lucky we both are to have each other. It's awesome and scary. I'm learning. I'm doing things wrong and figuring out the right things, too. Everyday I'm still learning.