Day whatever: start over?

Schedules haven't lined up. Food has been fast and the most working out I've gotten in these days is dancing with Ella in the living room. I need to start over from scratch on all this.

Spiritually, I feel better than before. We went back to First Baptist for the first time in probably a year this past Sunday. We'd been frequenting other churches in hopes to find the perfect one for us. Turns out FB might be the one. I fought back tears the entire service. It was moving, touching and spoke loud. Gratitude. In all the worry, fear and frustrations I let run my moods, I forget to be grateful for all I have.

This week, Greg, Heather and Maelee have been weighing on my mind a great deal. It catches up with me when I least expect it. Sometimes it's a song that brings all the emotion back. Sometimes it's seeing Greg at work doing his best to work through his suffering. I look at Ella and am grateful. I am also sad for what they don't have. The kisses, the hugs, the belly laughs and the game of peek-a-boo Ella starts up in the middle of dinner. My heart aches for them so much more than I could begin to describe. I don't know that time heals you. How could it? They held their child's lifeless body. You don't get over that. You live your new life the only way you know how. Greg doesn't seem to talk as much about it at work these days. Maybe it's because he's trying to live as normal of a life as he can without stirring up so much emotion at work. Maybe he's tired of ME asking about him, his day, his weekend or whatever may be going on just to make sure he's still not without hope. Heather is traveling a lot. It's good. She's with family and gets to have some distraction from looking at the nursery. I worry about them a lot. I text, email and chat with them probably too much. I make up reasons to ask how their weekend has gone when all I want to do is hug them, pray with them and tell them I'm still sad, too. When you have a child that makes you glow, you ache for those who don't.

I made a slideshow of some of the images from their blog. The 4 hours I worked on it, I sobbed (yes, it took me that long because I couldn't figure out the new software). These images. The music. These are good christian people who want to be parents to Maelee with all their being, but that dream was ripped away. As much as I love our Lord and as much as I trust Him, I still don't understand it.

So, my physical growth (or should I say trimming) has come to a pause, but my spiritual growth is just that... growth. I'm learning and feeling and praying.