The Situation

After a long talk with my best friend in the whole world, I've come to realize there's a lot about myself that I knew, but was never ok with saying them out loud. I shared a few things with her that day, so here it goes:

PEOPLE
I say I don't care what people think of me. If it's someone I don't particularly know, then that's true. If it's someone that drives me past frustration, it's also true. People that I know, have no problem with, but just don't know well, it's not true. I care. A lot. There is one person at work that I'm sure doesn't like me. There is no reason for it. Maybe she feels our personalities don't match or I'm too loud. Either way, she is nice to me and works well with me, but I can just tell that most of it is "professional" and not out of true feelings. I don't know why that bothers me so much. Why do I want some person I deal with every so often at work to like me? I like it when people like me. I just do.

FUNNY
I get my adrenaline rush when people think I'm funny. I want to make people laugh. I always have. I like it when people are having fun and laughing means fun. I want people to be happy and if they are laughing, then at that moment, they can't be sad or stressed. I want to be the funniest person you know.

SWEETS
I like them a lot more than I admit. I can down a whole box of Fudge Rounds in one sitting and not feel gross. I rarely turn down sweets. I make jokes out of it when something sweet is offered to me, but I usually can't get to it fast enough. I want more than one serving, too. It's my weakness. GOT. TO HAVE. IT.

DIET COKE
No secret here. My greatest addiction for years. I feel weird without it. There are times when I feel sick of it, but I still drink it. It's become habit. When I'm cranky, I usually use not having one as an excuse. People buy it and I sound less like Bad Mood Jones.

SHORT
I hate being short. I feel left out.

CUTE
I hate being called cute. A woman likes to be beautiful. My 15 month old gets called beautiful all the time. I'm always "cute." I feel like a puppy. Boo.

SAD
I don't want anyone to be sad. I will usually do anything I can to make people not sad in some way. I sometimes become obsessed with making the other person feel better. See "FUNNY."

FRIENDS
I feel like I don't have enough, but the ones I have are irreplaceable. I sometimes feel like I'm not good enough to my friends.

BABY
There are times that I feel like being a mom keeps me from being able to be as good of a friend since I can't go many places these days. I didn't want having a baby to change my relationship with my friends. They keep me sane. I need them. I feel left out of their lives sometimes and it's my fault.

TALKING ON THE PHONE
I used to love it. Now, I'd rather not. I don't have much to say other than what Ella has been up to and not everyone wants to know that.

HOUSE
I have my moments when I get jealous of other people's homes. I know that is wrong, but we don't have a lot of money and our house is old. I love it, but it's not "expensive-looking" and all my friend's houses do.

JEALOUS
I don't want to be jealous of anyone. I am often. See "HOUSE."

DANCE
I can't dance enough. I love to do it. I wish I could Hip Hop dance. I would feel so freakin' cool if I could.

PIANO
I want to take lessons. I want to own a piano and play for hours everyday. I used to play by ear, but have lost it.

GUITAR
Same with the guitar. It would make me feel a little cooler, too.

FOOD
I love food. I don't like to hear I should eat healthy because all I can think of is salad. I HATE SALAD. I want meat and potatoes!

MYSELF
I try to do everything myself because I don't want to be a burden. I'm running myself into the ground and I won't ask for help. I don't know why.

BODY
My body grosses me out and I don't have energy to work out. I always say "tomorrow." We are set to go to Jamaica next year and I'm dreading it.

ELLA
I feel like Ella should be just as important if not more to most people. Because of this, she is spoiled.

NEWS
I check the news 10 times a day. I fear that another major event like 9/11 will happen. I think about that a lot.

OTHERS
Most of the time I feel like a redneck around other people. I hate dressing up, I am loud and don't like to do "girly" things. I feel like the nasty redneck girl that doesn't mesh well with other girls. There are lots of girls I avoid because I feel so stupid around them. I don't cook, don't have a clean house, don't dress well, have bad skin and currently don't work out. The thought of being a well-dressed domesticated woman who likes a good glass of wine makes me gag. I don't want to be that woman because I'm bored by that woman, but I feel stupid around women who are that. I don't know why.

ADAM
I feel like I let him down often. I hate volleyball because it takes him away from me all the time. He wants me to come to games and practices and get to know the girls and their parents. I never do and really don't want to. He would come see me if the roles were reversed. I feel bad about it, but still can't bring myself to be around annoying parents. I struggle between being supportive and being angry at all things volleyball.