What I know about myself today

DISAPPOINTMENT
I don't deal with it well. My knee-jerk reaction is to just throw my hands up and give in, throw a rockin' pity party and stew in my defeat. The party's length depends on how big the disappointment is. Once the party is over, I'm ashamed and embarrassed and promise myself and those around me to not let it happen again. I pray about it, ask Him to help and at some point make a dumb decision to not listen to Him and start the process over again. I'm working on it and promise to never let it happen again. Ok, so I'm praying about it. Pray I listen this time!

LONELY
I am an only child. I have never liked being an only child. I still to this day wish I had a sibling. Even during all of my childhood years when I had to entertain myself, I, as an adult, hate being alone. Maybe it's has something to do with the fact that there were times growing up I HAD to be alone. Maybe not. I have no idea why, but when Adam's gone for the weekend or even just the evening to volleyball practice, I get sad and disappointed (see above). I know as a Christian, I'm never truly alone, but like "Disappointment," I am not a good listener when I need to be the most. In my mind, being alone is horrible.

BEING THE COOL MOM
This is what I promised to my growing belly when I was pregnant. I was going to be the cool mom. The coolest, actually. But something funny happens when the child comes out and it's time to raise them... you are not the coolest parent. Discipline, lessons, censorship and mostly just parenthood steps in the way and you become the parent you thought you'd never be. This is meant to be. This is the way it is supposed to work. Let's face it, the coolest parents are never the best parents. It's great to be cool once in a while, but not all the time. If you haven't learned that yet, learn it.

I'M OLD
While slapping down some bright neon 80's fingernail polish and streaking my hair with temporary hot pink, it occurred to me that I may just be too old for this. That doesn't mean I'm not going to do it, but the thought of someone else looking at me in disgust due to my age... well that just makes me sad. I never wanted to grow up and here I am. Old. Wow. Where the heck does the time go?! I want to rebel against getting old. There are times when being responsible is lame.

THE LORD
I love Him so much and I'm am so undeserving of His love. I'm not a great Christian because as you know already, I'm not a great listener. Therefore, I'm not a great doer. Although I know I will never be the perfect Christian, I am working on being a BETTER Christian. I want others to see Him through me. The scariest part of that is I'm not sure others see that in me now.

ELLA
She kinda looks like me. There are times when I see her facial expression and think Whoa! She really is my child. I don't want her to see me and not see Christ.

WORRY
It runs my life a good portion of the time. Because of this, there are times that my anxieties make me a not fun person to those around me. I know what's happening and can't stop it. I worry and become frustrated at rate of speed so that no one can see it coming. I've decided to wave the white flag. I'm giving in on trying to deal with it on my own and am seeking help from the doctor on Monday. I've been on medication before and REGRET ever taking the medication because of what it did to my body. I don't know that I've ever fully recovered from it. I'm not happy about getting on medication again, but I fear I have no choice. This is a sad time for me because I feel defeated. I like to win. I've been praying about it for a long time and I'm thinking this is the choice that is best for me now. If this is my head telling me this and not the guidance of the Lord, I will find out very soon.

SLEEP
I like it a lot and haven't had quite the love affair with it that I used to in over 2 years. I miss it.

DIET COKE
For some reason, no matter what is going on, I always feel like a good cold diet coke makes any situation (good or bad) even better. Sometimes it does. Sometimes it doesn't. I think about diet coke a lot in a single day. That is not good. At all.

ME
I'm going to be a better person, a better wife, a better mother and most importantly a better Christian immediately. I can't be any of those with out being a better Christian. I need Christ in my life for when I'm disappointed, lonely, being a strict, slack or semi-cool mother, feeling old, adoring or being frustrated with Ella, worrying, sleep deprived and day dreaming about a soda. All these things in my life can change in a great way with more effort on my part. So, if you see me being a jerky human, call me on it. I want to change. PRAY FOR ME. I will return the favor. I want to be better and I can't do it on my own.