Maelee's Day

May 29. This is the day my friends bury their little girl. I'm sad. I'm very sad. I know that God has plans for Greg and Heather and that He is comforting them. Knowing that doesn't seem to take away the pain of knowing that Greg will be digging the hole his daughter will be buried in. He will take a shovel to the earth so that Maelee can be buried. It may help the healing. It may help give some relief knowing that Maelee's earthly body has a final resting place. Maybe a new stage of grief will begin for them. I don't know if there are stages or if it just hurts differently as days carry on. Some days will hurt a lot worse than others. I still think it's unfair for Maelee to go. I still think it sucks and that parents shouldn't have to bury their children. Knowing that my friends have to do this rips my heart out. It's a pain that tears can't solve. The tears that fall from my face as I type this are for them. They are for Greg and Heather in hopes that there will be less tears for them to cry. I want them to be ok. I want them to not hurt so much. I will be praying for and thinking of them in these next few days harder than I have before. April was hard. May is hard. I pray June will bring comfort.

More to remember

Do you fee as bubbly inside as I do? Man, These pictures take me back to such a happy place. I'm thinking I'm never throwing any toys of Ella's away ever. I wish I'd kept all mine! These are DOPE!

Going back

This is what my Trapper Keeper looked like when I was in the 4th grade. IT. WAS. AWESOME. This one came with the snazzy clip on the inside back to hold my notepad and my pencil and 3 different color folders to hold all my papers. I loved it. I loved the sound of that velcro when class started. I loved the zip-up pencil holder that Mom bought me to attach with the 3-ring binder. I always used pencils that had a smell... you know, like strawberry or watermelon. I always had one of those erasers shaped like a heart or car or something. I don't know if I ever used it, but it looked good in my zip-up pencil holder. I found this image online today and it made me so happy. I loved my childhood. Look at it. It's beautiful, isn't it?

Finding better spirits

May has been a crummy month. I've had the worst 4 weeks at work than I've had in the 4 years I've been there. I've cried at work which I HATE to do because the stress has been overwhelming. Yesterday was our anniversary and Adam had to coach volleyball all night. It was crummy. I feel beat down and exhausted. What's more, I feel sad.

I feel sad for Greg and Heather. I asked myself today "Why am I still sad after 6 weeks? It didn't happen to ME." I don't know if when bad things happen to people you care about effects you more than you realize or if it's because I have a baby at home. Maybe it's both. I've experienced the excitement of having your first child. I delievered in that very hospital where Heather delivered Maelee. Maybe it's the little pile in Ella's closet of things I'd planned on giving to Greg and Heather for Maelee that just sits there with no where to go. I don't know if it's the fact that I see Greg at work sitting at his desk, working through the pain. What I do know is that listening to sad music can make it worse. It's what I've wanted to listen to, but I can't dig myself out of the sadness when all the music I hear is slow and sad. I've got to stop that.

There are days that I don't shed a tear for Greg and Heather and think maybe they won't shed a tear that day, too. I know I'm wrong. There are days where out of no where I'll sob while working on a project at work or riding in the car. This is just me. How are THEY dealing? I have my child. She is healthy and thriving. I can hold her and watch her grow. They don't have that with Maelee. If I'm sad, I know they are beyond that.

So, I'm focusing on my blessings. I'm turning off the sad music. I'm going to stop complaining about my crummy May. I'm also going to pray for Greg and Heather. I'm not going to be able to stop being sad, but I need to be better for Ella. I'm finding better spirits. What stinks is Greg and Heather can't do that exactly. They are burying their little girl in a week. Better spirits seem a good ways away for them. Keep praying for them. There suffering is indescribable.

What's on my mind

SCARS

I thought about this after noticing a scare on my arm that has almost faded away after 11 years. I was happy it was starting to go away. I hate it. Scars were initially wounds. Most are visible and look pretty bad. People go out of their way to say "What happened? Are you ok?" These wounds heal eventually, but leave a scar. A scar is a reminder of what happened. Scars will stop hurting as much one day, but it never really goes away. Somedays you won't remember it's there and the event that caused the scar doesn't cross your mind. Somedays you stare at the scar and play out the event that caused it over and over in your head. The feelings you had when you got that injury can come back as if it just happened. Some people won't ask you about your scar because they are scared of what you might say. I'm mean let's face it. It had to be pretty nasty to leave a mark, right? What if something horrible happened and now you've just opened up all those emotions again. It's better to pretend you didn't see it. There are those who WANT to talk about their scar. They will offer up the story without being asked or wait to see the look on your face when your eyes glance in it's direction. There are also those who would rather you ignore the scar, too. Everyone deals with the scars differently. Scars are reminders of what you've been through, but at the end of the day, they are what makes you you. They build character and always leave you with a story to share with others... if you're up to it. Greg and Heather have a wound on their hearts and one day they will have scars. It's a place that toughens up, but never goes away. That scar is Maelee's passing.

GETTING TO KNOW OTHERS

This has nothing to do with Greg and Heather's situation. It's just something I've dealt with recently. Everyday we meet people. Somedays we meet people we really want to get to know more. Those people can become friends. I love asking people about their life outside of what you already know. What music or food or stores they like. What they wish they could do if they had no limitations. It's fun to learn this stuff. What is disappointing is to learn that person you call a friend doesn't share an interest with you that you find important. Examples of this may be politics or religion or sports team views. There are somethings you can learn to deal with and some that you can't. For me, it's religion. I have a hard time understanding folks who don't believe. They claim to be spiritual but not religious. That saying drives me nuts. It means nothing. It's careless, lazy and messy. I almost can't relate to someone who doesn't believe the way I do. Most of the time, these unbelievers want to debate you on your beliefs. They want to mock you for being so gullible. I don't know that I have patience for this person. It's disappointing to learn this about a friend. I hope I don't learn that about you.

BIG GIRL SEAT

I had a new car seat installed in my car today for Ella. It's not a carrier and it can hold up to 50lbs. This is Ella's big girl seat. It's happening too fast.

GUTTERS

We had new gutters installed on the front of our house today because our others were falling off. I'm not sure we can actually afford this.

OLD DAYS

When I was younger, I didn't have so much stress. I wondered which tree would be best to climb and which cereal goes best with Smurfs on Saturday morning. I miss simpler times most when my stress is the highest. I had no idea about martial affairs of those you know and that sometimes you can't pay the bills because you've run out of money. I didn't know that there were family members that really don't like each other all the much. Things were good. Friends were good. Times were good. Stress wasn't there. My fear is that Ella won't be able to have "good times" in her childhood. There is too much too visible to kids these days. Too much technology. Too much "information." Too much sex and violence. I want "the old days" for her to remember when she's my age.

LIKE

This is a word that is used too much and used incorrectly.

HAIR

I'm not having a good hair day today. I want to go home and put it in a pony tail.

NAILS

Why did I paint them this color? I'm not a fan of this color.

ANNIVERSARY

Adam and I are going to celebrate 4 years of marriage on Thursday the 20th. We've been together for 10 1/2 years and love each other more today than the last. We have no plans yet. Thursday he has to coach in the evening which means he won't get home until 9:30 or 10. Bummer.

WORK

It doesn't make me happy anymore. It's too stressful.

BIBLE

I haven't had time to read it like I want to. I really want to. I'm coming up with a plan to make this happen the way I want it to. It's important.

EMAIL

I'm annoyed by emails that don't concern me. I always forget to delete them and they pile up in my inbox. I can't find any email I actually need when I need to.

BORED

Is it possible to be bored when you actually have things to do? My experience today answers "Yes" to this question. I think I'd rather sharpen all my pencils than do what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

Read a story today

I read a story today about a woman in Lexington who lost her son 34 minutes after he was born. She was told at 5 months that he wouldn't survive outside the womb, but in the womb was perfectly healthy. He had some fatal condition that wouldn't allow his chest to expand enough to take a breath. He survived 34 minutes. The woman said something that made me tear up and feel a warmth about her situation. She said that she enjoyed her time as his mommy, but he wasn't hers to keep. He belonged in God's hands. That was a fantastic way to look at a horrible situation. Knowing this didn't make her less sad or grieve for a shorter period of time. She just found some comfort in knowing that she'd carried her son for the Lord. When asked if she had any advice for other grieving mothers, she responded, "God makes no mistakes. He has a purpose, and a desire for even the smallest or shortest life. I cannot offer advice to grieving mothers, because I am still unsure of my own feelings. The pain and sorrow is indescribable. If it weren't for my husband, my mother and my God, I would be broken. Because of them, I will heal. I am unsure whether or not I will ever feel whole again. But I am a mother, a wife and a daughter. It is still my job to be strong." She also says "Grief is a personal journey and no one has the right to judge a mother's grief. I choose Bailey's life [her healthy daughter] instead of Benjamin's death." Wow.

There was one part of this story that really got to me. Her son was born on the same day Ella was due. He was delivered almost the same time Ella was born. He was born in the same hospital Ella had been born in. Now Ella was not born on the same day because I had an emergency c-section due to preeclampsia symptoms. I don't know that if I hadn't had the c-section when I did that she would have come on the same day this family lost their little boy, but the thought sent chills up my spine. What if we HAD been there at the same time. We rejoiced when Ella was born. Friends and family came to hold her and congratulate us. We would have just been a few rooms away from a family grieving the loss of their baby. How horrible. Greg and Heather were grieving Maelee while other families celebrated just a few rooms away. *sigh* I just don't want anyone to feel that kind of pain. I get sad for them a lot. I count my blessings every time I hug Ella (and wake her up in the morning, feed her, bathe her, play with her, tickle her.....) Hate is an ugly word. I know it is because my MeMe told me so when I was just a kid. I'm supposed to dislike things and not hate them, but I hate what Greg and Heather are going through. I don't know if sharing the story of the Lexington couple with Greg and Heather would help or make them more sad, but I'll ask what they think. Sometimes realizing there are others grieving the same way you are can give a little comfort. Keep praying for them.

I don't know the future

Worry. It's defined as tormenting oneself with or suffering from disturbing thoughts; fret.

My worry often comes from the "unknown." What will happen? What if something happened? What's the worst that could happen? Because I don't know what the future holds, I worry about it. After trying to figure out exactly what my worry comes from, I came to one word... fear. What am I scared of? Pain. Not physical, but emotional and mental pain. I don't want to feel the pain of losing a loved one. This fear is the one that keeps me up at night. This is the one that interrupts my day and sends me into a phone calling frenzy checking on loved ones and their safety. "Call me when you get there." is a phrase I say a lot. If I don't hear from someone when "they get there" I spend the next 30 minutes calling every number I have for that person and have been known to jump in the car to travel the road they would take to look for them. Once I called all the hospitals in town. It's irrational and irritating, but it's reality for me.

Since Ella was born, I've gained a new person to worry about. I read a lot about babies before she got here. One word that jumped out at me every time I came across it was SIDS. I came across this information just recently:

"SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants 1 month to 1 year old, and claims the lives of about 2,500 each year in the United States. It remains unpredictable despite years of research."

It doesn't make sense for babies to just die. There should be a reason... sick, suffocate on a blanket SOMETHING. A baby dying just because it does.... doesn't make sense. You can't prevent "just because." On the facebook page of the Christian radio station I listen to has a post where you can list the hardest thing you've been through. At least 4 people wrote about losing children, 2 of which were children who died in their sleep at 11 months. ELEVEN MONTHS! 11 month old children have little personalities and laughs and favorite toys and dance to music. 11 month old children are almost 1... the "cut off" age for SIDS. They almost made it. Ella is 11 months old.

I've checked on Ella and made sure she was still breathing for 11 months. Not one night have I spent away from her, because it would mean I couldn't check on her breathing. Now that it's time for her to start eating table foods, my fear is choking. I've watched my father choke while I screamed as my mom tried the heimlich maneuver unsuccessfully over and over again. Fortunately, my dad's pill that was lodged in his throat moved enough to go down instead of come back up. That same weekend, my cousin choked on breakfast and ran from the kitchen table because he was afraid. Mom gave him the heimlich successfully this time. The choking fear comes not from the unknown, but from what I've seen. It's horrible.

Greg and Heather lost their baby before she was born. I don't know if they have any information as to why it happened, but last I heard, there was no explanation whatsoever. No reason. Just because. I hate "just because." I know someone that held their little girl's lifeless body. There are so many emotions that go with this one, but fear is one of them. I've thought about not having another baby just to avoid the chance of the pain they are going through. Fearing the death of my child comes from seeing the pain of someone who has. I don't know if I'd call this the unknown or knowing too much.

Fear is a nasty thing. It changes you. It's not Christian. One of my favorite hymns is "Because He Lives." The chorus reads

"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, All fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future, And life is worth the living just because He lives."

I sing this to Ella at night if she can't fall asleep. I don't want her to fear things. I want to fall completely head first into these lyrics and not have fear. I want to let go and just let my future be with Christ with no fear of the unknown. It's hard. It's really hard.

This doesn't mean I don't enjoy motherhood or being a wife. I do. It's what makes me happiest. It's what gets me out of bed in the morning on the rough days. I love my family. They are incredible and I wouldn't change what I have. My fear is that it will change.

Say a prayer for me. I need Christ's help to let my fear go.

May 6

I've sat on this post for a couple of days. I wanted to write about what this day is. I was thinking I'd write about Greg and Heather and how they must struggle to see the 6th on this month come and know it's been a month since Maelee was born. I just feel like these words don't show the true emotion of what this day really means. On Greg and Heather's blog, they posted a picture of Maelee's hand in Greg's. Maelee's little tiny hand with long fingers like her dad's. Those little nails were supposed to be painted pink one day. That picture brought on a new kind of pain that tears couldn't relieve... although I tried. Ella had tiny hands like that. I remember holding them and kissing them and never wanting to let them go. I want that memory for Greg and Heather so badly. One month ago, Maelee was wrapped in her little blanket and her little hands lay in her dad's... lifeless. I know the Lord gives and I know the Lord takes away. I read it in the bible. I sing it in songs. I understand that is just the way it is. What I don't understand is why. I will probably never know why God has to take away sometimes. See, children do something to you. They fill up your heart like no other person can. They bring you joy that no one else can. They make you a different person. Why would God choose to take a child away from it's parents? I know, I know. Don't question it. God has a plan for us all. We don't always understand our place or why things happen, but God does. I know I'm not supposed to ask "Why?" but I still find myself asking anyway.

I wandered over to the nowIlaymedowntosleep.com site. I wish I hadn't. I read the stories and looked at the pictures of these children that were taken away from their families. I just feel like there is no other pain worse than losing a child. These stories were incredibly sad. If you don't ache for these people reading their stories than you aren't human. It did hit me though that these people are real and aren't just words on my screen, they were people just like Greg and Heather. They knew what these people were feeling. I had to close the site and cried for at least 30 minutes. I got Ella out of the crib where she'd been sleeping for 2 hours. I held her, rocked her and whispered "I love you" in her ear for an hour.

May 6 was a hard day for Greg and Heather. I can't imagine their pain. One month and the pain doesn't get easier. Say a prayer for them and if you see them, hug them and tell them you love them. Maelee is missed.

The broken hearted

The LORD is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. - Psalms 34:18

Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted. - Matthew 5:4

Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid. - John 14:27

He will wipe away every tear from their eyes, and death shall be no more, neither shall there be mourning, nor crying, nor pain anymore, for the former things have passed away. - Revelation 21:4

My favorite is this: If one member suffers, all suffer together; if one member is honored, all rejoice together.- 1 Corinthians 12:26

Grieving Maelee

Every now and then, Greg and Heather weigh on my mind more than normal. Tonight is one of those times. I've put my "Grieving Maelee" playlist on and am sitting here thinking. I'm thinking what it was like to hold Maelee, knowing she'd already gone to meet the Lord. I wondered if they unwrapped her and just stared at her little body. I wondered if they ran their hands over every inch of her little body, trying desperately to remember each curve. Did they run their fingers through her red hair and kiss her cheek? Did they, just for a moment, wait to see if she'd open her eyes or cry? Did they keep the blanket from the hospital just to smell her? How could you survive this pain? How do you hold your child and then have to leave without her? It hurts to think about this. It's hard to see through the tears to type, but I wonder these things. It doesn't make sense. Lord, please lay your hands on them. Four weeks ago, Maelee met you. Be with them. The pain is too deep.

Battling against frustration

I'm struggling today. I'm struggling with stress and frustration. I have a to do list that exceeds the sheet of paper. Today, I have a sick child with a temper and a husband with his own to do list (which doesn't have any items that match up with mine). I missed church and I really needed it today. My house is an absolute wreck which means everything has become unsafe for Ella. Let's just say I'm doing more chasing than relaxing (what's new). I'd like to shower. I'd like to fold laundry. I'd like to do just about anything else than be frustrated and stressed out. I need prayers to help me not take this out on everyone around me. I need to put things into perspective, but I'm having a hard time with that right now. I feel like I can't breathe. I need to count my blessings and not put so much pressure myself. Easier said than done.

Jamaica

Here are just a few pictures from our trip to Jamaica a few years ago. There are a couple of our room, a picture of us right before we we went on the catamaran so I could jump off a cliff, a view from the restaurant where we had the best breakfast ever and lastly, a picture of the bar right outside our villa. Mmmmm.

We went here (Couples Swept Away in Negril, Jamaica for those who care) for our honeymoon and again for our 1 year anniversary and have plans to head back in about a year. I get the fever for Jamaica when the weather is nice. I listen to some Bob Marley and pretend the far off sounds of cars passing by are the sounds of a jet ski in the ocean. The breeze coming in is from the clear blue sea in front of me and any minute, an extremely nice Jamaican will bring me some sort of fruity drink with a pineapple on the side of the glass. You see, humor makes me relax and be worry-free. Jamaica tends to have the same effect. A couple of years ago we made plans to go back to Jamaica for our 2nd anniversary and, due to some unexpected expenses, we had to cancel. That was a bummer. A BIG bummer. I'm not getting my hopes up for next year, but the thought of going back makes me relax just a little. I'll take that for now. If I listen really hard, I can hear the tree frogs and the waves of the ocean. I like this feeling.