My worry often comes from the "unknown." What will happen? What if something happened? What's the worst that could happen? Because I don't know what the future holds, I worry about it. After trying to figure out exactly what my worry comes from, I came to one word... fear. What am I scared of? Pain. Not physical, but emotional and mental pain. I don't want to feel the pain of losing a loved one. This fear is the one that keeps me up at night. This is the one that interrupts my day and sends me into a phone calling frenzy checking on loved ones and their safety. "Call me when you get there." is a phrase I say a lot. If I don't hear from someone when "they get there" I spend the next 30 minutes calling every number I have for that person and have been known to jump in the car to travel the road they would take to look for them. Once I called all the hospitals in town. It's irrational and irritating, but it's reality for me.
Since Ella was born, I've gained a new person to worry about. I read a lot about babies before she got here. One word that jumped out at me every time I came across it was SIDS. I came across this information just recently:
"SIDS is the leading cause of death among infants 1 month to 1 year old, and claims the lives of about 2,500 each year in the United States. It remains unpredictable despite years of research."
It doesn't make sense for babies to just die. There should be a reason... sick, suffocate on a blanket SOMETHING. A baby dying just because it does.... doesn't make sense. You can't prevent "just because." On the facebook page of the Christian radio station I listen to has a post where you can list the hardest thing you've been through. At least 4 people wrote about losing children, 2 of which were children who died in their sleep at 11 months. ELEVEN MONTHS! 11 month old children have little personalities and laughs and favorite toys and dance to music. 11 month old children are almost 1... the "cut off" age for SIDS. They almost made it. Ella is 11 months old.
I've checked on Ella and made sure she was still breathing for 11 months. Not one night have I spent away from her, because it would mean I couldn't check on her breathing. Now that it's time for her to start eating table foods, my fear is choking. I've watched my father choke while I screamed as my mom tried the heimlich maneuver unsuccessfully over and over again. Fortunately, my dad's pill that was lodged in his throat moved enough to go down instead of come back up. That same weekend, my cousin choked on breakfast and ran from the kitchen table because he was afraid. Mom gave him the heimlich successfully this time. The choking fear comes not from the unknown, but from what I've seen. It's horrible.
Greg and Heather lost their baby before she was born. I don't know if they have any information as to why it happened, but last I heard, there was no explanation whatsoever. No reason. Just because. I hate "just because." I know someone that held their little girl's lifeless body. There are so many emotions that go with this one, but fear is one of them. I've thought about not having another baby just to avoid the chance of the pain they are going through. Fearing the death of my child comes from seeing the pain of someone who has. I don't know if I'd call this the unknown or knowing too much.
Fear is a nasty thing. It changes you. It's not Christian. One of my favorite hymns is "Because He Lives." The chorus reads
"Because He lives, I can face tomorrow. Because He lives, All fear is gone. Because I know He holds the future, And life is worth the living just because He lives."I sing this to Ella at night if she can't fall asleep. I don't want her to fear things. I want to fall completely head first into these lyrics and not have fear. I want to let go and just let my future be with Christ with no fear of the unknown. It's hard. It's really hard.
This doesn't mean I don't enjoy motherhood or being a wife. I do. It's what makes me happiest. It's what gets me out of bed in the morning on the rough days. I love my family. They are incredible and I wouldn't change what I have. My fear is that it will change.
Say a prayer for me. I need Christ's help to let my fear go.
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